Just popping in to say hello to Stephen Colbert.

Three years ago I had a hangover.

I used to copy and paste these into my drafts, so I've a few to do when I get bored:

105 unique questions.

About you

Middle name:
Anne

School:
what about it? I went to a bunch.

Birthday:
August 17th

Zodiac Sign:
Leo

Chinese sign:
Sheep

Do you even believe in astrology?:
I have. It's interesting, but I don't believe in much these days.

Are your parents still together?:
Fuck no.

Are you the youngest or oldest?:
both

What size shoe do you wear in guys sizes?:
in guys' sizes? About a 4, I guess.

What size ring do you wear?:
around a 6

Appearance

Hair color:
dark blonde

Eye color:
greenish, greyish, bluish

Height:
5'4"

Do you wear colored contacts?
I cannot wear contacts


Interests

What's your favorite sport?:
Hmm, I like swimming and biking. I like to watch hockey sometimes.

Favorite sports team?:
uh...?

Do you play any instruments?:
a few

If yes, what do you play?
bass, keys, sounds. I've played a bunch of other ones in the past.

Are you in band?
yes

Play any sports?:
No

Favorite actor/actress:
Right now, I have Crispin Glover and Scarlett Johansson on my mind.

Favorite comedian:
uh, did I mention I don't even agree with the idea of "favorites", or that I spell that word with a "u"?

Favorite band:
see above

Random

What city were you born in?:
Portage la Prairie, Manitoba

Country?:
Canada

Suburbs?:
What about them? No, I was born on a military base, if that's what you're asking.

Hospital?
Portage la Prairie General Hospital

Ever been to Niagara falls?:
yes

Ever been to Africa?:
No

What's your favorite drink?:
it's July, so I'll say beer.

Do you like to shop?:
sometimes

Like video games?:
I like video games in general, but I'm out of touch.

Cards?:
I've been known to enjoy a few card games.

Asparagus?
good stuff

cookies?
As I get older, I like them less, but they're still good.

Seinfeld?:
yes

The OC?:
I've enjoyed what I've seen

Ever been to New York?:
Not yet

How long have you had AIM for?:
Never used it

Xanga?:
nope

Do you like broccoli?:
Yes

Are you a Harry Potter fan?:
Nope

Lord of the Rings?:
I read the books. I enjoyed the movies.

Star Wars?:
You know who you're talking to, right? (but really, I'm not one of those Star Wars fans.)

Do you like Superman or Batman?:
Peter Parker

Are you a procrastinator?:
yeah

Do you smoke?:
We're in an on-again-off-again relationship.

Are you a slut?:
I have been.

Do you think Paris Hilton is hot?:
meh. I think she's prettier than Nicky, or Nicole.

What nationality are you?:
I told you where I was born.

Are you sure?:
I have the birth certificate.

Ever see someone die?:
no

Been to a funeral?:
Yes

Ever been a part of a wedding?:
Does my own count?
If not, I will be a bridesmaid for the first time soon.

Been to band camp?:
Camp, yes, but not band camp.

Is it anything like they say in American Pie?:
I'm a loner, but I've heard stories from friends...

Do you have a job?:
Yes

Do you like dairy?:
I love cheese, and I like yogurt.

Meat?:
some

Fruit?:
some

Vegetables?:
some

Ever been to Sweden?:
Not yet

Do you always wear a watch?:
I don't have a watch

Favorite flavor of ice cream:
I don't know. It's been awhile. Heavenly Hash, I guess.

How do you like your coffee?
some cream, some sugar

Do you get good grades?:
I did, in most classes.

Do you want to get married?:
I AM!

Have kids?
Do I have kids, or do I want them? Fuck, full sentences would be nice. NO I don't have them. The idea of having them is growing on my as my biological clock ticks, so maybe someday.

What do you want to be?:
I want to be good at being me.

What's your favorite color?
Blue

Ever been in a cult?
I may have been close once.

Are you Jewish?:
No

Do you wear converse?:
No, but I'm getting a pair soon.

Shop at AE:
What's that? American Eagle? No.

A & F:
see above

Hollister?:
see two above

How long do you spend putting on make up?
couple minutes, when I put on any

Ever wanted to be an astronaut?
as a child, sure

Do you like the movie Harold and Kumar go to White Castle?
never saw it

How about The Village?:
see above

What's the last movie you saw in theatres and with who?:
Uh, I think it was 28 Weeks Later, with KC, Seth, and Nancy

What's your favorite genre of movies:
Again with the favorite question! Um, horror I guess. And stupid comedies.

Do you wear alot of jewelry
No. It was difficult to get used to wearing a few rings. I have a bunch of holes in my ears though.

What's your favorite holiday?:
Halloween, or New Year's Eve. I'm not a fan of holidays.

ever meet a celebrity?:
sure

Ever been to a country concert?:
no

What about a classical concert?:
no

A punk concert?:
Yes

Do you like to mosh?:
I've had phases

Are you in a band?:
Didn't you already ask me this?

Ever seen your favorite musician live?:
I live in Halifax...I've seen some that are up there on the list.

Do you drive?:
no

Do you live in one of those huge neighborhoods with a million plastic houses:
hahahahaha

Do you like playing in the snow?:
sometimes

The rain?:
warm summer rain is fun to frolic in

lightning or thunder?
they go hand in hand

Do you watch the news?
yes

Are you sad this is over?:
no

I wonder what I was upset about last year.

Dog Day has cheated on Randy's a couple of times.

The first time was nearly two weeks ago. We decided to get a pizza with our savings while we worked on demo-ing our new songs. We found the address and phone number of the business upstairs and called Extreme Pizza. We told them to call us when they get there or we'd never know they had arrived. Then we took a cordless phone downstairs and got to work. The phone rings and Nancy and I go out to get the food. While she's entering in her PIN, I turn around and look at the posters on a nearby pole. I hear laughter. Feeling left out, I go back to Nancy and the delivery guy to see what I had missed. All the guys at Randy's were lined up outside the door watching us. Oh no! We've been caught by the husband! Nancy says "fuck" and explains to the delivery guy why, and we all laugh again.

I've been a decent customer of their since moving to the neighbourhood, what with the demise of the Pizza Factory a few years back. They always say "hi" with a wave and a smile as I walk down the street to the cafe, liquor store, Lost and Found, et cetera. I felt a tinge of guilt. But it's not like I've ever ordered a pizza from them.

The other night, we were all getting ready for another night in the dungeon, when us girls found out that the boys didn't get any food for anyone. Pizza again. This time when we called, the guy laughed and asked if we wanted him to meet us around the corner this time, so we don't get caught again.

The problem is, buddy who delivered it didn't follow through. When we sent KC out, he was waiting out front.

I thought it was all funny.

Three years ago I wrote a long post about the previous weekend. I'm not reading it now, but I saw the word Radarfame...

I need to get out of some sort of metaphorical kitchen. I can't stand the heat.

"Wouldn't you like to serve me ice cream? Doesn't that sound fun?"

All that sounds fun right now is another 1.5 litre bottle of water and a cold bath.

I also need to start telling stories again. Maybe when my brain solidifies.

I need to go to the alFresco filmFesto tomorrow night.

A poster had blown off the bulletin board at work, and I was reminded that they are kicking it off this summer with Back to the Future. I've only gone once. That was years ago for Ali's birthday. We went to see Rock 'n' Roll High School. Jake won the look-alike contest, but I didn't know him back then. I will always miss hanging out with those girls.

I'm hungry. But I feel sick. I find it so hard to eat when it's this hot. I'm stopping by the grocery store later. I guess I'll have to pick up some raw vegetables. They'd be refreshing.

I'm finding it hard to think in this heat, too. It took me three tries to ring in someone's cigarettes correctly, and I keep dazing. I just want to lie around and do nothing. Like the cat that I am. I'm Piggy.

I wish you had told me about that phone call. Finding out the way I did, when you knew it was so important to me, stung. But I understand.

But Back to the Future!!

"I am your density. I mean, destiny."

The way I feel about Crispin Glover is unholy. But he's so weird!! I mean, his middle name is Hellion. That's enough right there.

And there's always room for reminiscing over childhood crushes like the one I had on Michael J. Fox.

Last year, I was still reeling from a mind-blowing conversation at the jam spot.

I'm so angry about how much I'm sweating this summer. Even with antiperspirant on. It's gross. I'm fairly certain it's a side effect. I guess I'd rather be sweaty, than absolutely insane, hateful, and full of self-loathing.

My problem with perspiration was the opposite for most of my life. I didn't sweat enough. This lead to numerous cases of heat stroke, dizziness, and at times, fainting. It's good to sweat. A body needs it to cool down and to release toxins. But it's just so foreign to me. I'll get used to it, eventually.

I shouldn't complain.
It's definitely the worst side effect.
No, that would have to be the one that has me in a constant state of frustration.

PS- I am so excited for this show!

Clearly, I am crazier than I ever imagined. And that's saying a lot.

Last year, I related to the lyrics of a song that is, in fact, about me. The Husband and Knife lyrics are slightly different. I wish he'd warned me I was talking to Satan.

I've liked Songs: Ohia since the first time I heard them. But I don't like the album I ended up buying on a tour. I think this is the first song I heard:

All friends will leave you
All friends will leave you
All friends will leave you

Leavin' will bring ya down and
Leavin' will tear ya down and
Leavin' will wear you down and
Leavin' will bring you down

All your friends have left you
All your friends have left you
All your friends have left you

Leavin' will bring ya down and
Leavin' will wear ya down and
Leavin' will bring ya down
Leavin' will bring ya down
Leavin' will bring ya down
Leavin' will tear you down and
Leavin' will bring you down


Three years ago I drank V8, had Bad Religion in my head, and had a clean fridge.

The other day, I was out on my front step having a cigarette when some weirdo on a bike told me I had beautiful legs. He didn't look anything like the sketches of the Bum-Grabber that were in the papers. The worst part of the story is that I accidentally encouraged him. I've been trying to be a bit friendlier this year. I didn't quite hear what he said at first. My hearing is impaired in my left ear due to a severe infection I had as a young child and I often mis-hear things. Everything's a little muffled and background noise, like traffic, adds to the problem. Some of the things I think I hear can be pretty funny. In this case, I thought he said "beautiful day." So, I smiled at him. Then I noticed the creepy little look in his eyes. Then my brain realized he had said "beautiful legs." Quickly, I turned my face into a scowl, but by then he was looking forward, riding away. FUCK!

I have less than a month to go of being 27. I can't wait. This year has been such a fucking roller coaster. That's okay. I love roller coasters. I've certainly learned some things and will come out of it in a much better position than how I started the year. But I still can't wait to call myself a survivor. I have quite a few friends just entering the age of insanity, suicide, overdoses, etc. I wish them luck and want them to know I will do my best to be there for them if they need me. But that's all silly, right? It's just another year.

As a customer, I had the following conversation:

her: "Hi. How are you today? Are you enjoying the sun?"
me: "I don't like heat."

Later, I had the following exchange with a customer:

him: "Did you get out in the sun at all today?"
me: "I tried not to."

I love summer nights.

Things have improved since three years ago, but I'd still like to make some changes.

This was a good weekend.

It's been about thirteen hours since my last cigarette.

I'm going home to eat candy, clean the bathroom/kitchen, and play Prince of Persia.

Judging by last year's post, I guess I'll never change. It's not that bad being stuck the way I am. I am pretty used to my room being a dumpster, for example.

I hate selling Dasani.

I cringe whenever someone puts it on my counter. I have always had something unexplainable against it. Then I started working in a store and I found out about the tax. Water isn't supposed to be taxed. But, Dasani isn't natural water. It's re-mineralized. I guess that means they distill it and then add minerals to it. So, since it's fucked with, it's taxed. That means it costs 14% more than a similarly priced bottle of water. And that seems silly to me. I mean, sure, if people know that but still choose it because they prefer, then fine. That's their choice. But so many people are uninformed. Some of them have even gotten mad at me yelling that there is no tax on water. Well, there's no tax on milk either, but chocolate milk is taxed 'cause it ain't natural.

My favourite guy today was the one who gave me a look like I'd just killed his mother because we don't have those huge cans of tobacco. Maybe scooping ice cream is the best position...

Last year I was trying to take back some things that I'd foolishly said.

What a hard morning.

I've got to stop drinking every day. Too many depressants in my life.

I woke up and the insides of my cheeks were chewed to shit. It seems my occasional teeth grinding has evolved to include shredding my cheeks. Great.

From there, KC and I tried to go as long as we could without smoking. But towards the end of my first coffee and what probably would've been the end of our second shared cigarette, I started bickering. So he took a week to notice my new jacket. Fuck, I don't have to be such a bitch about it. After the stress I caused, we shared some poison, and things turned better before he left for work.

Then, the hornet. I first noticed it yesterday evening while folding my laundry. I had the clean clothes waiting for me at home while I procrastinated at the One World. Then, just as I was writing about this weekend and going to reply to some emails, the computer started acting funny. So, I logged out of everything (so important on public computers), paid, and went home. I was spending too much time there at ten cents a minute anyway...

Since I had the house to myself (and Piggy) for awhile and my room is such a mess that it only triggers anxiety, I sat on the couch sorting through the three garbage bags or recently cleaned stuff and began finally watching season 4 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Suddenly, I hear a loud buzzing and I look up to see a huge black insect flying around the light fixture. Thinking it was a freakishly large fly, I immediately shouted "PIGGY! BZZZ!" and she came running to my rescue. Then I noticed the yellow stripes. "Oh no! Piggy, NO! It'll sting you!" But I can't grab the monster and take her to safety. She lets me pet her sometimes and gives me kisses, put there was no way I could pick her up and take her away from her prey. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I ran up to my bedroom and sat on my bed taking deep breaths trying to think of something to do. I've never actually been stung before and my fear gets slightly worse the more time goes by without experiencing that pain. After a few minutes, I went down to grab the stuff I'd folded. The hornet was trying to get out the window. I think there's a way he could get out, so I left him to it. When I came back down for the last armload, the bug was crawling down the back of the couch, while Piggy acted strange in the other room. Perhaps she was stung. I spent the rest of the evening in my room listening to CDs and reorganizing dresser drawers.

Well, I guess the little fucker spent the whole night under the couch. Just after noon, just after the man of the house left, while Emily was reading a letter from a friend who doesn't live here, I saw him crawling up the curtain. We took the Pimp up to my room and shut the door. I went at the bug with Windex and a sneaker. I was trying to be brave. I sprayed the thing a few times, and he turned around and gave me a dirty look. "Oh Fuck! He's coming to get me!!" I couldn't get close enough to smoosh him with my shoe. I ran towards the door. If I was the only one home, I'd have just left for work early. Emily got some heavy duty cleaner and soaked him. He crawled up the curtain, getting slower by the second, and then he fell over on his back.

I really wish I wasn't so needy. I'm so sick of myself. However, I'm okay with being a joke. It feels good to be back in familiar territory. I've always been a joke.

Last year, I felt like my husband loved me, but he didn't like me.

I've had this Made in the World song in my head for at least a week:

Pull me out
Pull me out
Of this

'Cause I wanna talk to someone
Who cares
About
Me

'Cause I wanna talk to someone
Who hears
Me out

Parts of me won't grow
In the city lights
Dark glow

I need to talk to you
It's over now
Let's move away
We can talk this through
Let's leave this place
Don't be afraid
Let's move away
Let's move today

Run from here
Turn our backs
On this

I wanna talk to someone
Who cares about me
I wanna talk to someone
Who hears me out

Parts of me won't grow
City lights
Dark glow

I need to talk to you
It's over now
Let's move away
We can talk this through
Let's leave this place
Don't be afraid
Let's move away
Let's move today

Next up, an attempt at recounting all the things that went wrong on this past weekend that will still be remembered as a good one. Or at least, memorable.

Three years ago I related to Dawn.

What the fuck?

Seriously.

Three years ago I made a long post.

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe, and what I believe--I believe what I believe is right."

*swoon*


Two years ago, something scary happened to my grandfather.

It almost killed me and I didn't even notice it.

I thought, based on past experience, that I'd recognize depression in myself when it returned. I thought, based on the same past experiences, that I'd know what to say to it when it tried to "catch up".

But I guess I was wrong. I often am. This last descent (which began at least a year and a half ago) was so gradual. It's like when you see someone every day, you don't really notice how much their hair is growing, but if you haven't seen them in awhile, you notice right away how much longer it's gotten. I think the other difference is that my past experiences with depression were in my teen years and early twenties, so everything was more emotional than it needed to be. I wasn't prepared for this slow, dull, numbness.

I swore I'd never do antidepressants again. I was never fully against them, they save some people's lives, but it wasn't something I wanted to do again. In moments of emotional insanity and desperation, I realized that the time would likely come when I ingested those little pills again. But never Paxil. Oh God, no, never fucking Paxil. I had a superb memory before the Paxil days. None of this weird absent-mindedness and forgetting what I just did a few minutes ago. And never a blackout from drinking....And the withdrawal. I admit I didn't wean myself off of it the way I was supposed to, but that was one of the worst things I've ever gone through. I had sensations that I'm only truly able to explain to others who've stopped taking Paxil, and they nod in agreement with a slight look of amazement on their faces. As if they thought they were the only ones with snapping in their heads. A feeling of something physical snapping, not like "oh she wouldn't shut up, so I snapped".

This winter was really bad. I was fighting with my husband every day. Actually screaming at him and throwing things. One night I even jumped on him and tried to attack him. I was back to being the full-fledged psycho I was when I dumped my last boyfriend for him. I didn't ever want to be there again. I didn't want to repeat mistakes I'd seen older family members make. My goal had always been to learn from their mistakes, eliminating the need to make them myself. I never ever wanted to turn into Rose. I love the woman, but she's deeply troubled.

So, to save my marriage, to save my remaining friendships, to save my life, I went crawling into a doctor's office this spring. I told him about the things I've struggled with in my life and the problems that were occurring in my marriage. "You need to do something about this or one day he's going to leave you." I know. I told him about my experiences with Paxil and a few years later with Celexa. I told him the problem when I was on Celexa before was my alcoholism, and that I'd recently quit drinking (I had, at the time). After insisting that I don't drink, and agreeing that if I don't take the meds, the anxiety of life would drive me to drink and I'd stay stuck in my vicious circles until I finally hit rock bottom, he wrote me out a prescription for no-name Celexa (Citalopram).

I guess it's been three months-ish since I took my first one. Now, I can really look back and see how bad things were. I've been "happy". I've been alright with the way things are going. I was beginning to believe that I just was a negative, pessimistic, cynical piece of shit and that maybe struggling to be content was the best I'd ever have.

Until this spring. I didn't know how to take the positive feelings I was having. Many of them were so rare, and maybe even absent, in the previous 27 years, I quite literally didn't even know what they were. I was overwhelmed. I misinterpreted things. I just felt so good and it feels great to be throwing around the word "love" the way I used to throw around the word "hate", even if it makes me a dink (but I do not love Crispin Glover more than Troy. I know Troy in real life. Crispin might be a real ass).

I finally started to care about myself. To think about what I wanted to do and what I wanted out of life. That lead to some fights as I have a co-dependent personality and I finally crave independence. But the co-dependence is my fault, not his. I just have to do the things I want to do, and make time for him, instead of waiting for him to make plans for me.

But things are looking up.

Now these words have some meaning.

Two years ago, I was reading what has become one of my favourite books.

"Girl, wherever you're going, you're going to do well. You look healthy and fresh"

Yeah right. I was walking home from the store with a fresh pack of smokes and a hangover.

I had such a good day yesterday. It's hard to believe I crammed so much in considering how late I slept in. Cafe time and then video games. A normal early afternoon these days. BBQ later with good homebrew and good people. I liked how everyone I knew was someone I was happy to see and those I didn't really know are friends with people I like, so...

We couldn't stay at the barbecue too long as it was the day we had scheduled to move from A52 to the basement on Agricola. But, we didn't actually ask if A52 would be open that day, so when we showed up with the van (and two of us already buzzed), the door was locked. We went back to tell J what was up and drank some beer on his side step.

It seemed I was too drunk to jam, but I like to keep my commitments, so KC, J and I embarked into the basement for some rock. The drunkeness was a bit of a hindrance, but at the same time, I came up with and ending to a song! So, I guess it loosened me up. The main reason for my alcoholism in the first place.

We cut the jam short so they could go to Mitchell's party, and we went over to his neighbours place where we watched Cannibal Holocaust. I'd read about the film at work a long time ago, and I've been interested in seeing it ever since. But, I knew it was going to be sick and I wasn't sure if I wanted to give in to the side of me that was curious. I'm glad I saw it. It's not often that I hide my eyes while watching something, but they were really killing those animals and that made me sad. That might explain why I found it so hard to sleep.