Ouch. "Cristal." That looks so gross. I mean, not if that's your name, but it's not mine. Personally, the only spelling of the name Crystal that I like is the one that also doubles as a word; a type of glass. My husband's name is Corey. In a paper from my hometown. Is it that hard to look inside the CD you're writing about, or maybe on our website, to make sure you spell people's names correctly? Oh, sorry, I should be happy about the praise, or really, I shouldn't even be talking about it at all. But it jumped off the screen and poked me in the eyes, making it hard for me to read anything else.

Four years ago my ears were burning. They have been lately as well, but I think it's all the beer.

Hi New York. I know you read this. If you are someone other than Brenden, who is already here, then come to the Cake Shop tonight and/or Soundfix Records in Brooklyn tomorrow and say 'hi.' If you are Brenden, "hi! You're downstairs. I'll see you when I finish eating this Quiche."

It's up to you, New York, New York.

"Hi, we're in Delaware!"

Well, actually, we're not. But, I've always wanted to say that for real, and did today when we took a gas station break from driving through that state.

I'm tired.

Three years ago the Marquee was closing, Bush was coming to town, and Gunts 'n' Roses were alive and well.

Oh man, I'm so drunk right now. We just played a drinking game and this might be the second time I've actually been drunk this tour. Fucking American beer. See, we found out about this cheap shit called Icehouse which tastes kind of Canadian and is 5.5% instead of the regular, like, 4. Plus, it was like five bucks for a six pack of tall cans. I think, the only other time I was drunk was the night I had whiskey, in Hollywood before the Christian Death show, and even then it wasn't like this. Fuck I'm frustrated. I don't have the privacy to rub my box, or make love to my husband (we just left a hippy town) like I would in normal life. My new haircut makes me feel more sensual. I can't help it. I guess it's bed time.

If you're reading this, I love you.

crystal

Four years ago I came to a great realization. Too bad not much has changed.

Boy was I in a bad mood yesterday. Four hours sleep in Miami, a twelve hour drive from Miami to Athens, followed by hurting my back lifting gear for probably the first time in my life (badly enough to nearly puke during the show, and I'm not usually a crybaby when it comes to pain). We did get to play for Seth's cousin (the one who played Johnny Cash at the wedding) and his girlfriend. I've been wanting to write about the trip for awhile, but every time I get a chance, I'm in more of a mood to waste time reading shit and looking a pictures. So, last night, I threw up a few sentences that don't really say what I meant, but I still mean what I said. I feel like I'm doing something wrong every time I speak, but I'm finally realizing that it doesn't necessarily mean that I am always the one in the wrong. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the PMS. And the Red States. Boy, I'm cranky. Sometimes, even sick to my stomach. I think it has a lot to do with being in a cramped van with the same people 24/7. I love the people I'm with, but everyone needs space. At least we're finally getting some what with a basement apartment to stretch out in. I'm going to finish reading the Mist, the first story in Stephen King's Skeleton Crew. It's the only book in here that interests me in the slightest, and I left my books in the van. Besides, my interest has been a little peaked since watching so many trailers for the movie based on said story.

I didn't think I'd want to come home. I thought I was sick of Halifax. And maybe I was. But, I really miss it now, and I hope things are as good as they can be. I'm not looking forward to driving into winter, but that's life.

Four years ago I got home after a night of drinking and apologizing too much and woke up frightened to realize blacking out was becoming commonplace.

I'm sick of things being so difficult. It was easier being numb, than starting to awaken only to realize it wasn't all my fault at all. I don't know why I ever open my mouth.

Happy (American) Thanksgiving (read: help me!).

Three years ago I wrote something I regret, but I was really frustrated.

Celine Dion.

hahahahaha

I can only speak for myself, but I know that it's not that I don't want her to perform in Halifax. It's not like I don't want her to feel welcome in Halifax. I don't give a flying fuck if she wants to sell out our little Metro Centre. It's just that I didn't want her playing in my fucking front yard. I didn't want to be forced to be subjected to it when I would be doing something else with my day and listening to music I want to listen to.

I didn't want the Rolling Stones to play in my front yard, either, even though I ended up enjoying the day because they didn't pussy out like a bunch of cry babies.

Four years ago I gave an incomplete explanation of why I started smoking. The truth is, I was in my first major depression and I thought "Smoking kills? Good."

My white shoes are getting pretty dirty. That's what happens, I suppose, when one walks around, especially in dirty cities, with white footwear. These babies have been all over the world with me. They were one of two pairs of shoes on my trip to Europe and although I have four pairs on this trip (including the ones I bought in Edmonton), they are still being worn. Last night, for example, they rubbed against the driveway as I sat cross-legged outside most of the night. In November. God Bless Texas.

Two years ago I tried to explain some of my auditory sensitivities and the problems hearing with meaning and distinguishing what is important and what to ignore that comes with them.

Shopping, shopping, shopping.

I've been spending too much money for someone who has none.

I had a hard time forgiving myself for not getting Guitar Hero 3 (with a guitar) for what I believed was a very good price. It probably wouldn't fit into the van, and I didn't think I could bring it across the border. At least that's what I told myself to not feel sad about it. Then my mother told me I can bring up to $500 of stuff across, as long as I declare it and have been in the States for more than two weeks. I called a 1-800 number and found out my credit card balance, and that I owe them money, like, today. I can't withdraw the money for rent, and they may not let me use it after today, so I guess I'll shop.

In Hollywood, I got Tekken 4 before going to Amoeba Records where I got New Day Rising and Either/Or. I couldn't find any Raincoats for Emily, and didn't have time to peruse the CD section.

Yesterday it was decided I would have to drop the Guitar Hero whining as I decided to spend $40 at the venue. We played in a record store called Waterloo Records. Our payment was, aside from the promotion of us and our album, a free Waterloo t-shirt and a 25% discount in the store. I got a Daniel Johnston shirt, the Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll, a couple of pins, and Raw Power.

(note to Emily: don't worry, I have rent).

Tonight we play a house party in Austin. Right now, we are drinking and waiting for the party to stop. Teen Wolf Too is in the background, after showing us a hilarious inconsistency in the first one, that they watched earlier. "Get me a keg of beer." There is a keg.

Two years ago, I also used the word "peruse."

We've lost two hours in the last two days. Oh the joys of driving east. It just jumped from 1:20 AM to 2:30 on our way to the Motel 6 in Van Horn, Texas. We have to get up at 8 to get to Austin in time for our in-store in the afternoon. That wouldn't be so bad, except I hardly slept last night. I kept waking up from being too cold from the ceiling fan and then too hot from my sleeping bag. The firm couch was great to sit on, but sleeping on it felt similar to a floor. When I did sleep, I had nightmares about a nuclear meltdown. Warnings and instructions everywhere, the Homeland Security threat level posted at gas stations, the scorpions in the back yard, you know, the overall fear culture must be working it's way into my skull. As for being overtired tomorrow, at least I don't drive. Dozing in the van is okay when necessary.

Three years ago was my farewell to gerg.

I'm in Phoenix, with internet access, but I'm way too hungry to focus on writing anything cohesive. So, I'm doing this thing I copied from Francesca, except I'm posting it here instead of Facebook.

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
Monday, lunch time

2. What were you doing last night at 11 p.m.?
(California time) driving down a dark desert road towards a place called Desert Center, looking for a place to sleep, and realizing that this is the opening scene to many a horror movie

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
smoking an after-set cigarette

4. What are you wearing?
silly hat I got in Brussels, Sharp Like Knives shirt, grey skirt I am very fond of, new socks, my All-Stars

5. Are you mad at anyone right now?
not really

6. Last person to say they loved you?
KC

7. Whats your emotion right now?
the crankiness that comes with hunger

8. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
I don't think I have a song on my profile. I don't know, really. I'm deleting my account soon-ish.

9. Last thing received in the mail?
I think some books Emily returned for me. I don't know, I won't be getting my mail for another month.

10. Do you have any famous relatives?
not really

11. Do you enjoy any ice cream novelty treats?
I've kinda gotten sick of them from my work at the convenience store

12. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
only my backpack

13. How is your hair right now?
dirty

14. How many different drinks have you had today?
3, coffee, water, V8 Fusion. I'll have beer later.

15. What have you eaten today?
one egg, french toast, 1/2 a piece of bacon, some Tootsie Pops

16. Are you any good at math?
yeah, well, I used to be. Probably could be again.

17. Do you see yourself on a GoofyAuctions.com billboard?
I'm ignorant as to what that is.

18. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
sometimes

19. Most painful dental procedure?
fillings

20. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
almost

21. Do you like the ocean?
yes, sometimes

22. Do you ever see yourself with a nose piercing?
I have one

23. Something you are excited about?
New York

24. What did you do today?
ate breakfast, laundry at a truck stop, stood for a picture in front of a cactus, sat in the van from Blythe, California to here, played a set

25. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
I don't think so

26. Where do you keep your change?
Carlo Rossi jug

27. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life?
Probably not, but I remember some that would be up there

28. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
both are nice for different reasons

29. What was the weather like on your Birthday?
August

30. Who do you love at this time and why?
in what way? KC, Nancy, Seth, Darcy, Emily, my parents, the list could go on. I'm not about to go and list reasons. That's stupid. Clearly they are my husband, best friends, family, etc.

ARE YOU?

1. A Cuddler?
most of the time

2. A morning person?
no

3. Tall?
no

4. In your pajamas?
already said what I was wearing and it is not what I sleep in

LAST
1. Friend you saw: besides the ones I'm with? Jef Simmons.
2. Talked to on the phone: my mom
3. Person you texted: n/a
5. Was today better than yesterday? sure, I saw my mom, but today is good too.

FAVORITE:
1. Number: 17
2. Season: fall
3. Food: uh, Japanese, I guess. And Mexican.
4. Color: blue
5. Band: n/a

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

Q: What was the first thing you did this morning?
A: pissed

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: I am hungry

Q: What's the last movie you watched in theaters and with who?
i think it was 28 Weeks Later with KC, Nancy, and Seth

Q: Where is the last place you went?
outside to load gear. Alternatively, a truck stop in the desert

Q: Do you smile often?:
A: no

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: not since Jr. High

Q: Are you a friendly person?:
A: I sometimes try to be

Q: Where did you sleep last night?
A: Motel 6, Blythe, California

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?:
A: black (with orange and yellow on it)

Q: What was your last thought before going to sleep last night?
A: Season's Greeting from Larry and the Blacks

Q: What are you about to do?
A: not sure, maybe try to see the Aids Wolf show and/or try to get some food

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10?
A: 8.7

Q: What do you hear right now?
some band (a guy with an acoustic and a guy with a banjo) doing a line check

Q: If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
A: beer

Q: Does anything hurt right now?
A: not really, but I'm achy

Q: What's your favorite month?
A: August

Q: What’s your favorite bottled water
A: I don't care, but I have a grudge against Dasani

Q: Have a best friend?
A: I guess, but I don't rank them

Q: How many kids do you want?
A: zero or two

TEN EMOTIONS.
1. Are you missing someone?
yes

2. Are you happy?:
yes

3. Are you talking to anyone right now?
some guy just asked if he could take the chair next to me

4. Are you bored?:
absolutely

5. Are you German?:
according to name history crap, my last name is, but my family says we're Polish

6. Are you Irish?:
no, but I think there's a bit in there

7. Are you Asian?:
no, are you racist?

8. Are you Italian?:
seriously, who cares? But, no

9. Are your parents still married?
They are both married, but no, they are not still married to each other

10. Are you trying to find love?:
no

TEN FACTS.
1. Hometown: Cole Harbour
2. Hair color: blonde
4. Hair style: growing, shaved in parts
5. Eye color: bluish/greyish/greenish
6. Birthday: August 17
7. Mood: as opposed to emotion? tired and hungry
8. Gender: atypical female
9. Available? married
10. Lefty/righty: right-handed

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.

1. Have you ever been in love? yes
2. Do you believe in love? yes
3. Why did your last relationship fail? I didn't love him. After 6 months of trying to end it, I met KC.
4. Have you ever broken someone's heart? I think so
5. Have you ever made your gf/bf cry? yes
6. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? I'd like to meet someone who hasn't
7. Are you afraid of commitment? no
8. Have you ever had a secret admirer? I like to think so

Last year I was a mess and starting to come out of my self-made prison. I don't think I regret the steps I've taken, but I still have so far to go.

"I haven't slept for ten days 'cause that would be too long."

I'm going to finish that book today on the drive to LA. It's a good thing, too. I'm really enjoying it, but I don't like the moods it puts me in sometimes. Reading Donna describe some of her situations make mine all the more obvious. I cry when she describes losing friends that she felt she could trust and talk openly to because she's making them uncomfortable hits too close to home. Reading someone trying to explain sensory issues turns up the volume of my own, and I'm tired of wearing earplugs in the van and being alone in my own world. Socially, it makes me frustrated that I have spent so much of my life, not as a self, but playing roles to live up to the expectations I think those around me have. And it makes me snappy, telling KC he doesn't really understand me, that no one does and no one will. It'll be interesting to get back into Kafka after this.

Christian Death in Bakersfield, California.

Well, actually it'll be Hollywood, but we are listening to them tonight in Bakersfield. Tomorrow, they play another room in the same venue as us. I'm excited that our set times will probably be different we can likely see them. The singer's wife (widow) is doing vocals for them now.

The house in which we are staying is haunted.

Life is funny. And frustratingly annoying. One could sit around and be angry about it. Or, one could realize that we are all the butt of one joke or another, and laugh. Lately, I'm choosing to be positive. It's more enjoyable. Also, I'm drunk off of "Natty Light", so I'm talking out of my ass, and smiling.

Keep smiling.

We're in Francesca's hometown (or something) about to play a show with Noelle's favourite band. I take that as a good sign. I'm still trying to get money issues sorted out, but I'm not worried (think positive). If all works out, I'll be seeing my moms in LA soon.

Our time in BC was a trip. Ew, I can't believe I said that, but it's kinda true. It started with a show with Wintersleep and the Wooden Stars. We got to watch TV and drink beer on their bus, and play a show to a crowd. More people know us in Norway than in Western Canada. Then, a day off at a lawyer's house followed by a ferry trip to the island.

Our first show on Vancouver Island was in a sports bar (and Keno bar) underneath an old, cheap motel where, apparently, the employees lived this little town called Duncan. Highlights of the night include the older, drunken Indian couple dancing to our "punkier" songs, and proving to the whole room that true love can last forever, the crew of people that commuted from Victoria to see us, and the two crazy guys we met after the show. Leave it to KC to get us involved with a schizophrenic and a dude with bipolar disorder. They were nice enough, but being around crazies brings my own craziness closer to the surface. At times, I had to just walk away and look at the stars.

Next stop was a bar in Nanaimo. Towards the end of the set, the giddy, talking, dancing crowd came back up front and moshed for our encore of "Wanna Be Your Dog." There was something weird about their energy and I'm surprised I didn't pick up on it sooner. They invited us to their jam spot for party favours after the show, and we accepted since we weren't allowed to drink in our room in the hostel above the venue and couldn't afford to drink in the bar. People were wild inside the jam room, so we stayed outside on the couches smoking and talking to those who sat by us. That energy felt familiar, and subconsciously I knew what was up, but I didn't acknowledge it until I heard KC and Nancy talking about it. These wild kids, playing musical chairs, climbing the walls, breaking shit, and freaking out obsessively ("LET'S GO BACK INNNSIIIDDEE!"), oh, of course! We were in the middle of an acid party! Shit. People still do acid?

Monday was spent hanging out at the CBC building. Tuesday, we played after a battle of the bands thing called "Shindig" that Greenbelt managed to get us on (and, they won the round. Awesome). There were lots of fine folks in attendance.

We almost had our hands on an Olympia show, but it turned out they wanted us to do an acoustic set, so we took another show in Vancouver. It was in the poorest postal code in Canada. Right around the corner from East Hastings. Our friends were charged $10 each to get in, but the bands were only getting $2 per fan. There was a tally outside where they checked off who everyone was coming to see. They claimed it cost a lot for security, but it couldn't have cost that much to have their friend stand at the door smoking joints.

Before we left BC, we took advantage of cheap sushi, but we didn't go to one of those cafes.

It never rains in California, but girl, don't they warn ya? It pours. Man, it pours.

Okay. If nobody's going to use the computer, I'll write something, now that I had a smoke break. I don't want to watch the show about animal abuse that they are watching, anyway.

I had trouble at the border today. It was to be expected. I tried to be good. We're a band crossing from BC. Really, it was nothing compared to what it could've been. But my door, on the right side of the van, is where we have a bunch of stuff piled. We don't use the door. When we pulled up, he wanted to open the door to see everyone inside. That's understandable. But he opened the door before I could move the shit. I saw one of my books and Emily's alarm clock begin to topple out, caught them, and threw them into the van, towards KC. The border guy talked to Nancy a bit while I repositioned the rest of the stuff and turned to KC to quietly say "I wish they'd waited until I moved the stuff."

"Are you angry that I had to open the door?"
"No."
"You seem angry."
How does he know the exact fucking button to push? I've gotten that my whole life. Shut the fuck up and accept that I am not angry, but I have to pee and want a cigarette. Your insistence that I am angry is what's pissing me off.
"Well, I'm disappointed that I didn't get to move the stuff first" I say quietly, and monotonously. This is when he starts in that he has to open the door and I mutter sarcastically "yeah, and I've done this a million times." He continues talking down to me stating that I had 25 minutes in line to move stuff, and blah blah blah, everything should be obvious you stupid bitch. I just say "whatever" in the middle of his sentence and turn my focus to the back of Nancy's seat. Fortunately, he dropped it. He could've pushed more. He could've gotten angry that I was ignoring him. I could've pushed back and ended up detained. Instead, he talked to Nancy more, I got some dirty looks from KC, and we pulled up to park. The guy inside was nice. We have the correct paperwork. Now I'm in a country I've never cared to visit for a month. I will make the best of it. Some of the places we're going are pretty cool, and the rest, well, at least it'll be an experience.

I was wanting to write about some of the sketch situations we'd experienced in BC, or some of the fun times, but now I feel a bit, uh, nonverbal. I'm gonna sit back on my motel bed drinking tall cans of Busch (6-pack for $3.79). I know, why am I writing about what I'm not writing? Iunno. I do know one thing: I've been thinking of Kurt and Courtney all day (they liked BC, but the rest of Canada, not so much, according to an old Nardwaur interview I had the "pleasure" of reading).

Two years ago, was one of only a couple times I've had random strangers add me on MSN.

KC and I played duffel bag a couple of times this past weekend. Seth joined us the second time. At first I was uncomfortable with the idea. I'm not very good a deceit. I was going to sit up front with Nancy, but as we turned the corner we saw that there was no way for Seth and I to switch seats. It had to be done. It was saving us a bunch of money on the ferry over to Vancouver Island. So I slid down in the seat, twisting my back a bit, and we spread a sleeping bag over us. Nancy through a few bags and sweaters on top of the sleeping bag, making it look more casual. For some reason, this couple from Nova Scotia had too much stuff and their van was a mess. We played a show in Duncan, and one in Nanaimo (which triggered an obsession with Nanaimo Bars until I finally had one yesterday at the CBC building) and repeated the process.

Sunday was a long day at Home Fest. There were 20 to 30 bands playing in this space that was normally a dance studio upstairs in a building in a warehouse and fishplant district. It fucking stunk, but it was a good time. As well as some of Seth's friends that came to the show, Shawn Scott, Adam Todd, and Jef Simmons were all there. That night we returned to our home away from home in North Van.

Last night we watched Knocked Up and Barfly. Currently, Nancy and I are computing, Seth is Grand Theft Autoing, and KC is guitaring. I might have to play more Guitar Hero later.

We did some more shopping in Duncan. I got Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual and the Carpenters' Close To You records and Donna Williams' book, Somebody Somewhere. The book has taken my interest from the other three I'm reading, including a Cyndi Lauper biography I got in Sault Ste. Marie along with a Cat Power 7". I'm quite a fan of Donna Williams. Her first book, Nobody Nowhere really changed my life. I read it this past winter, and it was the final piece of the puzzle of accepting what's "wrong" with me (I prefer to think of it as what's different about me). Except for A Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, it was the first time I ever related so perfectly to a character. And that dog book is fiction. Donna's books are autobiographical. I like what I've seen of her paintings as well. Someday, I hope to be able to acquire one.

I've worked very hard this year to go from being a nobody nowhere to a somebody somewhere. And to figure out and love who that somebody is. I'd say this book came to me at a perfect time. I'm very happy about it, especially the fact that I got it for only $2.50.

Life is good.

Three years ago, it was HPX time.

How can I get you to read this? How can I get you to really see who I am and decide if you love me for me or not instead of just thinking you do because you care about me and think I'm cute? Alternatively, how I can feel secure that you do love me for me instead of feeling like you love the idea of loving me? How many times have we had the conversation where I ask you why you don't read this and you tell me it's because you want to give me some privacy? I just don't like writing it when you're behind me. I want you to read it. How many times have I explained that it makes me sad that you won't read it and that some people, in some cases complete strangers, know more about what goes on in my mind than you do? It's silly. It's just a stupid blog. I shouldn't care. But I do. Why isn't that important to you? It'll only take a few seconds of your day. I have even gone so far as to blatantly tell you "you should read what I wrote today" and you, instead, just want me to repeat it to you (and i know you retain things better when you read them than when you hear them). I know this is about us and you don't like me writing about us, but I've been censoring myself for you for a long time, and for what? I guess out of respect, but well, maybe you don't know how much it hurts, or how excited I was in the spring when we were having problems and you would actually pay for time at the One World and you were commenting. I try. I know you try. But I can't help feeling like it shouldn't have to be so much work. I need to take a break from beer. I'm getting too sad.

Three years ago, I played the question game.

Who just played Guitar Hero for an hour and a half? That's right. I seriously have problems. Why do I like it so much? Every song I told myself "just one more song", but when the song was over, I'd repeat that sentence and start a new one. It looks like I went from being pretty good for someone who's never played before to being kind of good period. I'm still on easy, but I made it to #2 on the kids' top scores lists, and one of them is apparently pretty good, so that's something.

I'm not sure how many people know that KC and I broke up this summer. I'm fairly confident the answer is plenty. I'm also not sure how many of those people know we got back together in Italy. The moment I agreed to give it another chance, if not before that moment, anything else I was trying (and simultaneously fighting) was thrown out the window. I was a little worried we were rushing back into it too quickly, but I could've said "no." I didn't. I suspected it would happen. I joked that I just knew we were going to fall back in love in Paris, the city of love. It happened sooner than that. We talked about it in Austria. We had a beautifully romantic time on a beach on the Adriatic Sea. By the time we woke up in our private bedroom in an old-time Italian castle-like village in Terni, it was decided. I don't feel like any of this is necessarily anyone's business. But I do feel like (and maybe it's my own inner paranoia) people are whispering and speculating needlessly.

Right now we are in a nice suburban home in Vancouver. We did not search out a Halloween party. We relaxed here instead. I just woke up from nearly 12 hours of much needed sleep. Today we explore downtown and possibly find some people to hang out with be it Wintersleep and/or some of Seth's friends.