Hi.

I haven't posted in three months. A lot has been going on, but at the same time, not much has been going on. I've gone to Ontario twice since my last entry and am getting ready to go again next week. We've moved in with some roommates and I'm really enjoying the household. That was a big thing. We had so much crap to go through. I've gotten rid of much of it and only regret ditching a few things. I quit my job. Mostly because of the move and the traveling and how stressed out I was getting. Not from the job. Just with trying to improve so many areas in my life. I miss the place, and find it incredibly difficult to go in and visit.

Things got really bad this summer. I couldn't cope with the smallest of stress or any change of plans. If I didn't have a breakdown, I was pretty damn close. Things are a bit better now, except that I'm broke and every time I go to the temp agency to apply for work, something gets in the way of it happening. It's a storm, the building's closed for a holiday, I don't have all the correct information, yadda yadda yadda. I guess I'll go in before our trip and tell them I'll be available to work as soon as I get back. I'm helping out with inventory at my old job at the end of the month. That'll be nice.

I've spent the last year (and really, probably longer) withdrawing back into my shell. I'm back to being the pathetically insecure and lonely freak I was as a teenager. I know it's my own fault. Something happened, I'm not sure what, that triggered all these issues I should have dealt with years ago. First, came the distrust. I didn't trust anybody. I knew I needed to work on me, so I became a recluse and, except for occasionally trying to smile and say hi to people, I began to only speak when spoken to. So, it looked like I was ignoring and turning my back on people. I know it's not fair to expect people to reach out to me when I'm so stand-offish, especially if they have no idea the bullshit I was putting myself through, but I just couldn't (and/or maybe wouldn't) reach out to them. I was socially exhausted. It's gotten to a point now where I am starting to poke my head out, and am starting to feel better about some relationships, but I pretty much can't converse and I'm still too paranoid, mostly of the intentions of others and of being made fun of [bullying really can fuck you up for a long time. Who knew?]. I don't know what to do or say, and it's easier to do and say nothing than to worry about doing or saying something "wrong." When I do speak, it's usually mumbled and stuttered, and I trail off at the ends of sentences because what I'm saying is pretty lame and uninteresting.

I need to get past this shit. I'm sick of going in circles. But, where did the issues come from? Do I need to know the cause in order to accept it and move on? Why do I have this innate feeling of worthlessness? I just "know" I'll screw everything up so why bother trying? I have my faults, sure. Everyone does. But I'm nowhere nearly as horrible as I think I am.

Sometimes it's great walking around in my own little world. Other times I get frustrated at feeling like I'll never connect to people the way others do. I'll never have that best friend. My husband is my best friend, and except for the bullshit my insecurities are causing, I love our relationship. But it's not the same. I can have "best friends." I have before, but once I feel too comfortable with someone, I push them away. I guess I'm too needy, or something. Remember when Jenn and I were close? She was the last one.

I took what I thought was going to be a big step a few months ago. It would've been if the second step wasn't so much bigger. Yeah. The girl who can't even call her grandparents is going to find her own doctor. I see his point about it "being part of the therapy", but if he understood even very partially where I was at in September (and to a smaller degree, where I've been my whole life) he'd see how ridiculous that is. If I were to go the therapy route, then I would need some before throwing bullshit phone calls in to the mix. (It's not just about a phone call. It was the stress thing. If I can't cope with, for example, someone suddenly changing practice time, or my food not being the right temperature, how in hell was I supposed to go through lists of doctors, find one that's free and that is experienced in certain things? Behaviour Modification! HA!)

(It should be noted, because of the application form I recently filled out that as much as I hate hate hate telephones, I actually kind of like calling strangers when it is part of my job.)

Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to be working on a photo blog for those pics I take from the stage at Dog Day shows. It's just a lot of work going through about 8 months of pics, fixing the colour balance (my camera takes pink pictures and I don't like it), figure out what size I want them, and then put them on some sort of disk so I can go to a computer with internet. Then, after that, I'd have to through the process of posting them all. Eventually, it will be http://dogblogday.blogspot.com/. The template needs serious work too.

PS-Brian, I'm sure you've found out somewhere by now, but we finally have "Sunday Shopping" here! I know how important that issue was to you and how you missed many debates and articles about it by moving across the universe.