I'm sitting in the van in Waterloo listening to KC go through an H/K set for tonight. I don't have much time to write. We have to leave soon to drive to the University radio station. We just had a very delicious meal made by Mercey at Jane Bond (they don't really serve food anymore, but he made us some anyway).

The Ottawa show was sketch. The food was amazing and the sound guy was nice. I love veggie burgers that are made out of peanuts ans chick peas and stuff. So good. And that salad. Yum. The motel we stayed in that night was more sketch. I wish people would just bother to clean a room instead of just spraying it with Lysol and/or Febreeze. That stuff hurts. But, laziness and cheap-skatiness prevail. We were told, at the bar, after booking the room, that it was the crack and prostitute part of town. Must be why it was in our price range.

"Your keyboardist looks so sad. Is she okay?"

I broke out the tears in Ottawa. People often criticize me for looking bored, or angry. I thought, what more could I do to get into the songs? I know. I'll see if I can make myself cry like I used to when I was a kid. A cinch. I'm a better actor than I thought. Last night, by contrast, I was actually smiling through some of the songs!

Guelph was pretty good. Chris Yang CD release. He recorded in Halifax with Youth Club Records. Superfantastics also played. Matt Charlton was there. Good times. When we pulled into the parking lot of the place we were to rest our heads last night, we noticed a peculiar smell. I opened the van door, and yes, the smell was coming from outside. Seth announced something about the parking lot being full of slugs, and KC said it smelled like newts. Upon exiting the van, it was discovered that those were actually giant worms (displaced from their homes by the recent rain) and not slugs. Then there was some Eddie Murphy Raw in the room (and a brief encounter with amateur porn).

Waterloo is nice. I really like the record store above the venue. Orange Monkey, I think. KC got a Replacements Sorry Ma shirt there, and it is the same place I got my Sabbath shirt a couple of years ago. The record selection is decent, too, but I can't afford to look and I don't have a record player...

The weather is wishy-washy. It rains. It starts to get nice again. It rains some more. Repeat. I wish it would make up it's mind.

I didn't elaborate two years ago, and now I don't remember.

Our first show on the tour is non-existent. So, here we are in Kingston with a day off, after a day and a half of driving. I always like stopping here. Nancy's brother is a great guy. Today has been a fun-filled day of internet, playing with dogs, cuddling a kitty, and bouncing on a trampoline. We paused to go to Value Village where I got a few more items of un-needed clothing and a Scooby-Do blanket (we went to get a blanket. I didn't pack one because in the past, it hardly got used. I don't need another blanket, but I might need it in the next three weeks). We returned to a barbecue.

Now, I am once again internetting, while doing laundry. Nancy is visiting family and the boys are playing acoustic guitars at each other.

I played Nintendo Wii for the first time in my life. Can't say I'm too excited about it, but I'm sure it would grow on me. I like actually controlling my players when playing things like computer tennis, rather than just swinging the racket. Some of the other stuff I watched people play looked fun. Now Seth is playing Zelda and KC's singing dirty stuff.

Which reminds me of something else we did today: watched some of Ling's Merseyside episodes.

(Fucking, in the sea
With me and almost everything
Whales and shrimp and jellyfish and sodomy
Sodomy, I wish, I wish
Fucking in the sea with me and me
Fishes all over my body)

I told a kid he needed to go back to sex ed. KC and I were out front, taking in the neighbourhood. There is a school across the street and some boys were playing something. Basketball, I think. KC put his arm around me and I hear "HEY! Are you fornicating on the front sidewalk?!" "Sure, if an arm is fornication. I think somebody needs to go back to sex ed." I turned and went back into the house.

Off to Ottawa tomorrow. The first association that comes to mind at the mention of Ottawa is that basement show the Hold played on our first tour. That was a great night.

I can't let my lips heal. I've been chewing on them for a few weeks now. When they start to heal, I feel the flap of skin, and start to chew again. My nails are long gone. I'd slowed down my nail-biting in the office days. Offices are gross and I didn't want to put that in my mouth. But, a few days after getting out of there, I hurt myself biting them too short.

I was a jerk three years ago (fitting, since I've been drinking jerk drinks so far on the trip). But making fun of Cory was part of our relationship for awhile, and I don't think I ended up reading those poems. I just feel guilty now because he's been the only person I can talk to in times of need.

So, in about an hour, I get in a van with some of my favourite people, to travel, and do one of my favourite things (play shows in different towns every night), and see more great people on the way. I am so excited to get out for awhile. I live for this.

We finally released Night Group. I was getting so frustrated waiting. The show was fun. The media coverage was weird. I'm still pretty bothered that the Coast thing said I was sipping on beer. I know it was probably just a matter of not paying attention to detail, and ont intentionally misleading, but that green can said "Ginger Ale" on it, not "India Pale Ale." It's just, I've been making some positive steps forward in my life, and reading that felt like a punch in the gut. I know the press can't get everything right, unless it's Stephen Cooke, but it stung.

Today is the greatest.

Two years ago, I said some random shit, and some more.

God Damn.

Mother FUCK!

I've just been randomly swearing today. It's pretty awesome. Just yelling. Out of the blue.

I wonder what the photo guys think about the show we gave them. Well, I wasn't the one asking them about their red penises or if they've ever smiled at a big ole pile of dog shit. (I did. I stuck my dick into it.)

You know what else was awesome? Walking home from the bar last night, crying. I must've been too drunk (off the two Pepsis I drank) to properly contain my emotions. You know how it goes. There's always one drunk guy sitting in the corner bawling at the end of a good night.

"Fuck!" "Fuck what?" "Just fuck, OK? That's all I have to say."

Noise music really fucks me up. I don't hate it, but I find it very hard to handle. I guess that's the point in many ways. I didn't make it very far into the Bastard Noise set when I stood up and bolted out of the room (I was sitting on the floor in the back, not standing and watching). I sat in a chair out in the mall, eating candy, wandered around a bit, and finally settled into a spot behind the doors behind the merch tables. I pulled my knees close to my chest and rested my forehead on them. It was perfect. On the other side of the wall, I could still hear much of the noise, but I didn't have my insides jiggling and vibrating making me feel sick. I was curled up in a nice little ball and didn't have to worry about standing.

And, most importantly, I was alone. In fact, last night was great for that. I've been wanting to get back to being myself, instead of the rambling pathetic loser who tries so damn hard for everyone to like her. I'm surly and stand-offish. I remember the days before I started playing in bands, and therefore, before people had much reason to talk to me, I would go to shows and watch the bands. I would sit at parties at Armoury place writing in a notebook grunting at most of the people who approached me. Why did I ever try to play those bullshit social games? Well, I can't be too hard on myself. They were fun for a bit. I've decided to not say hi to too many people anymore. It's nothing personal. I'm just tired of not knowing how to read people. Back to being a loner. I know it's lame to put the onus on everyone else to approach me, but everybody's got to live their life. And God knows I've got to live mine.

So, last night, I watched the bands, by myself. I walked around the mall, by myself. I talked to a few friends a bit, and went out with them while they smoked. I sat on the floor, by myself. Then, the noise started and the panic hit. But, that was fine, once I was out in the hall, by myself. It was all really quite enjoyable. I could barely stand when the set was over. Every cell of my body quivering, I leaned against a wall and shakily tried to make conversation while I waited for the husband so we could take Cory home. I'm so glad he's visiting from Hammertown (he didn't listen to his friends). I love Lavender. I don't know what I'm going to do when he leaves.


Now I must nap. I have a show tonight and an early office job tomorrow.

Last year, DROCK performed our second ceremony and my something blue was my hair.

Pretty excited. The Hold in a studio! I need some coffee.

I'm not sure what I decided not to write last year ago.

I'm still pretty pissed, but mostly at myself. For reacting to something I told myself I wouldn't respond to. For responding in a burst of anger. For getting caught up in shit. Emotions are unreliable. It is they that shouldn't be trusted. Fleeting.

On the topic of my office job screwing with my head and making me feel like a poseur, I walked past DOA on my way to work yesterday. Well, just the drummer. He was at the van. I had on my weird dress pants and shoes and was carrying a travel mug full of coffee. We both looked at each other and there was a flash of recognition from the night before. I was up front (not that it was hard to get there). I wanted to say something, but I was so close to missing my bus. I just walked on by, looking forward, the way I pass so many people in a day.

The day of the show KC brought up the NOFX show. Reminding me how the kids liked our set.

"All I remember is El Hefe watching and smiling and me fucking up."
"Oh yeah. Don't let the nerves get the better of you this time."
"What? What do I have to be nervous of this weekend?"
"DOA."
"Yeah, but I wasn't a fan of theirs when I was a kid. I'll be fine."

I tried to be a fan. I liked a few songs. The show was pretty enjoyable, though.

I have been feeling so much more insecure lately. I mean, I didn't even think I could get more insecure. I was wrong. Maybe it's because I don't go to shows much anymore, and when I'm at a punk show and not wearing the crust uniform, I feel like everyone's laughing inside. Coloured tights, a short skirt with lace on it, and cute little shoes. Not stinky and all in black. Well, I was stinky. So what if they are laughing. When did I start caring?

I've never claimed to "be a punk." (Although my wallet says otherwise. Moms are cute). No, I've just always been a freak. An outsider. I like some punk music, I like some other music. I like people who accept each other for who they are. Punk is just another label to have to fit yourself into.

I didn't know for over a month that my place of work is a non-profit organization.

Last year I posted a couple pictures.

You're the fucking King of Comedy.

I'm rolling on the floor laughing.

Easter was a holiday. Those are great.

It's too late.

I'm in a rush, I'm in a rush, wah-wah-blah.

Nothing I say comes out the way I want it to.

Except I'm an asshead. I can't wait to get out of this fucking city for awhile. And KC is amazing.

Three years ago I missed Mahons (and clearly knew less about the internet. The link isn't right). I don't really miss how much I used to drink.

Disco Sucks.

Three years ago, I killed time on the internet.

I'm so excited to see Gertie and Lydia. At times it's unbearable how much I miss those girls. There are some good things about Piggy, and our relationship is alright, but she's no substitute.
Ferocious, not to be confused with animal. It was so great spending time with Mark and Jen last weekend. I miss those two profusely. I'd forgotten how confortable I am around Jen. So rare. And, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have Gertie Gert.

It looks like I had a fun weekend three years ago.

It was such a nicer day last year. Which is a good thing because that dress was pretty summery for an April wedding. And the best photos, well, my favourites anyway, were taken outside in front of the North End Church. I love the peeling paint in the background. I'd post some photos, but I'm at a cafe. Going to Charile's with my dad and his parents after the ceremony (and wearing my tiara) was the icing on top.

I'm not sure what the weather was like 9 years ago. The first time we kissed. My heart raced and I almost fainted. You were only the second person I kissed and had actually wanted to. Most of all those other guys were just to get it over with. Sick of being green. Except Adrian. I was really picky with my first boyfriend. Didn't give anyone the time of day until he approached me. I had to break up with him when he told me he loved me after us only being together for 6 weeks (and only being 15). I said "thank you" and hung up the phone. I waited to dump him until the Spring Formal. Well, I was trying to wait until after the formal. See, this would've been my first time going with a date I liked in that way. But, I couldn't do it. Halfway through the dance I had to break it to him. "I like you, but I don't love you. We hardly even know each other. Believe me, once you get to know me, you'll stop liking me. Love's a really strong word. You don't love me. You might think you do. But we're kids."

But that kiss, all those years ago. That was something. I couldn't believe someone like you would actually be interested in someone like me. I knew I had to make the most of it while I could. Once you saw I was only pretty on the outside you run, screaming.

But you're still here. And you say you still love me. I can't believe it. You shouldn't. I'm so unbelievably lucky.

"You're a good Id."

"No, I'm not, but thanks."

I wonder what's in store for tonight. By the time you get home, it'll be a little late to find a restaurant. It's so cold and crappy for the dress and shoes I'd wanted to wear. I'll still wear a dress. Wet pants are awful. But the shoes... All that leaves me with are stinky sneakers. Good thing I bought waterproof mascara by mistake last time.

I can't believe I haven't pushed you away yet. God knows I've tried. You know that too.

"Nobody loves you like I do."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's not fair. You're psyching yourself out of being married when you should be psyching yourself into it."

"I know."

You really do know me. so how can you still be here?

Two years ago, I also wrote about a love that I easily take for granted. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm not supposed to talk about our relationship. It's private and involves someone's life other than my own. But, April 5th is an exception.

I wonder if the poor woman behind the counter had any sweet clue why I was trying so hard not to laugh while I paid for the book. Surely not. It was more money I wasn't supposed to be spending. We've outlined our plans for the anniversary tomorrow and they include being broke. But, I guess I just needed to buy it. And I guess I'll keep it for myself instead of using it as a gift. So I don't break my word again. It was only the price of a pack of Number 7's (by the way, how the hell did I afford to smoke and drink so much making less than I do now and paying more rent?). And it has Andy Patil inside. I was not laughing at Andy. I love Andy.

Two years ago, I wrote a letter to Brian the Ling. I love him too.

PS-I'm craaazy. And I'm honestly very sorry. There could be a big long-winded explanation. But, that's about all anyone really needs to know.

"Pretty much all you'll feel for the first week are side effects. You'll probably have an upset stomach and feel agitated. Then, in the second and third weeks, you'll notice an effect on the anxiety. All the little things that bother you won't irritate you anymore. Into the fourth week you may start to notice an effect on the depression, but it can take up to six weeks to have a full effect."

I think my body is starting to adjust. My stomach is settling down, and my sleep is less restless. What I really like about the effect on my sleep is that I'm not tired all the time anymore. Normally, I toss and turn all night, and I wake up cranky, and depression just makes you exhausted anyway. I could sleep into the middle of the afternoon, and still feel the same. But now...Now I wake up at 8:30 on the weekends and try to force myself to sleep until 10:00. Last night I was pretty zonked (the bus stalled on the way to work and I had to walk most of the way there, where I worked for 10 hours because we need to get everything done by Thursday this week due to Friday being a holiday), so I went to sleep a little earlier than usual. I had trouble sleeping past 4:30.

I noticed an effect on my irritability almost immediately.

Then there's the weight loss. That has already begun. Rapidly. Perhaps it will level out once I start eating more as my stomach settles down. I hope. Many people would be thrilled to have to take something with a natural and expected side-effect of weight loss. And sure, I'm glad to have lost a little. By I've grown comfortable with the curves I once thought I'd never have. I finally feel like a woman, after so many years or looking like an old teenager. I just bought a bunch of clothes that fit. Oh well. It'll be easier to take the clothes in than to make small clothes bigger. So long as I don't get gross tiny like I was before (when I was unhealthy and doing just about all the things I could be doing wrong with these drugs), it'll be okay.

A woman I know has a theory about a family member of hers. She says that whenever so-and-so is unstable, her feet reek like Holy Hell (okay, those aren't her words), but when she's well, nothing. I hope that is true in this case too.

I've been dealing with anxiety all my life, but these panic attacks are new. Then again, I deserve to feel like shit.

Two years ago, I posted "Rest in Peace, Bob."

I'm sorry I thought we got along. It's the probably the only reason I rambled to you. I get excited when I see someone I like in a room full of people I feel uncomfortable around. I also drink too much when I drink. But I'm not sorry I rambled. Sure, it's embarassing and annoying sometimes. I say things I shouldn't. But some people like it. I'm sorry I was ever sorry for my personality. Quality over quantity. I'd rather be loved by a select few, than liked by the whole world.