I'm still pretty pissed, but mostly at myself. For reacting to something I told myself I wouldn't respond to. For responding in a burst of anger. For getting caught up in shit. Emotions are unreliable. It is they that shouldn't be trusted. Fleeting.
On the topic of my office job screwing with my head and making me feel like a poseur, I walked past DOA on my way to work yesterday. Well, just the drummer. He was at the van. I had on my weird dress pants and shoes and was carrying a travel mug full of coffee. We both looked at each other and there was a flash of recognition from the night before. I was up front (not that it was hard to get there). I wanted to say something, but I was so close to missing my bus. I just walked on by, looking forward, the way I pass so many people in a day.
The day of the show KC brought up the NOFX show. Reminding me how the kids liked our set.
"All I remember is El Hefe watching and smiling and me fucking up."
"Oh yeah. Don't let the nerves get the better of you this time."
"What? What do I have to be nervous of this weekend?"
"DOA."
"Yeah, but I wasn't a fan of theirs when I was a kid. I'll be fine."
I tried to be a fan. I liked a few songs. The show was pretty enjoyable, though.
I have been feeling so much more insecure lately. I mean, I didn't even think I could get more insecure. I was wrong. Maybe it's because I don't go to shows much anymore, and when I'm at a punk show and not wearing the crust uniform, I feel like everyone's laughing inside. Coloured tights, a short skirt with lace on it, and cute little shoes. Not stinky and all in black. Well, I was stinky. So what if they are laughing. When did I start caring?
I've never claimed to "be a punk." (Although my wallet says otherwise. Moms are cute). No, I've just always been a freak. An outsider. I like some punk music, I like some other music. I like people who accept each other for who they are. Punk is just another label to have to fit yourself into.
I didn't know for over a month that my place of work is a non-profit organization.
Last year I posted a couple pictures.
On the topic of my office job screwing with my head and making me feel like a poseur, I walked past DOA on my way to work yesterday. Well, just the drummer. He was at the van. I had on my weird dress pants and shoes and was carrying a travel mug full of coffee. We both looked at each other and there was a flash of recognition from the night before. I was up front (not that it was hard to get there). I wanted to say something, but I was so close to missing my bus. I just walked on by, looking forward, the way I pass so many people in a day.
The day of the show KC brought up the NOFX show. Reminding me how the kids liked our set.
"All I remember is El Hefe watching and smiling and me fucking up."
"Oh yeah. Don't let the nerves get the better of you this time."
"What? What do I have to be nervous of this weekend?"
"DOA."
"Yeah, but I wasn't a fan of theirs when I was a kid. I'll be fine."
I tried to be a fan. I liked a few songs. The show was pretty enjoyable, though.
I have been feeling so much more insecure lately. I mean, I didn't even think I could get more insecure. I was wrong. Maybe it's because I don't go to shows much anymore, and when I'm at a punk show and not wearing the crust uniform, I feel like everyone's laughing inside. Coloured tights, a short skirt with lace on it, and cute little shoes. Not stinky and all in black. Well, I was stinky. So what if they are laughing. When did I start caring?
I've never claimed to "be a punk." (Although my wallet says otherwise. Moms are cute). No, I've just always been a freak. An outsider. I like some punk music, I like some other music. I like people who accept each other for who they are. Punk is just another label to have to fit yourself into.
I didn't know for over a month that my place of work is a non-profit organization.
Last year I posted a couple pictures.
posted by crystal at
6:21 pm
7 Comments:
It's always good to see Rajiv.
By
crystal, at 11/4/07 7:18 pm
I enjoy looking like a square (or maybe a yuppie?) in a room full of punks or well-dressed hipsters. I'm still trying to "establish my individuality", I think. This is a convenient way for me to establish it, since I just lack the sense required to dress well. I mean, I can dress well in a grad student kind of way, which requires no skill, just normal fitting jeans and a decent shirt. But make myself look like the kids at Cafe Esperanza in Mtl? I actually couldn't do it if I tried.
By
Anonymous, at 12/4/07 12:54 am
Remember when someone said, 'punks don't wear dresses', so for the next Briefs show we all wore one? I have a picture from that show on my wall. I miss the Briefs. And I miss you, too!
By
Anonymous, at 12/4/07 3:34 pm
Holy Fuck! IT'S JANICE!!
When I said "crust uniform" I didn't mean it in an insulting way towards people who are into that. I accept people for who they are. I just figured the people who knew me, knew that, and as for everyone else, fuck 'em, right?
By
crystal, at 16/4/07 8:15 pm
jono: Yeah, for most of my life, I tried to stick out. Like, I'd dress all punk and put my spikes on for a Burdocks show, and then wear a pink dress to a Slitch show. Then, I realized that I was still caring too much about what I wore (not to imply that you do), and started wearing whatever the fuck I wanted whenever the fuck I wanted (except for things that can't be worn to work). Now, I'm trying to grow up a little, and I have some office stuff, and I'm not comfortable with anything to do with myself and I'm questioning everything.
Janice: I remember that! I was about to complain that I pretty much have no Briefs pictures, but I think I have a copy of one from that night. Was it in Hell's kitchen? Or was it the Seahorse night when I wore a hairband too? I took pictures that night!
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I really miss you. Will you be in Montreal in a couple of weeks when I will be, or am I missing you because you're coming here?
Remember that makeout session in the bathroom at Stage Nine. And how you wouldn't give in to KC's rules about it being in front of him or it being cheating? That was hot. I guess that means I've cheated on KC.
By
crystal, at 16/4/07 8:25 pm
I'll scan some Briefs photos and send them to you soon.
The dress night was at the Seahorse, the garbage outfit night was at Reflections (one of my favourite shows).
When will you be in Montreal??? If you need a place to stay let me know. Maybe we could book some time at our practice spot and have a 3/5 ths of a Briefs reunion jam!
xo J
By
Anonymous, at 17/4/07 1:30 am
I always give the wrong impression when I say things. It wasn't "KCS's rules." It was a mutual agreement we reached when defining our relationship. I told him I think it's stupid that some people don't consider same sex stuff cheating. If it feels good, and it's behind someone's back, it's cheating. Sorry I brought it up.
I'd love if you could send me some pics someday!
Hmm. I just checked our website and myspace, and I guess the Montreal show isn't confirmed because it's not up. But Dog Day are heading out on the road next weekend. We are in Hamilton on May 3, Quebec City May, Sackville, NB May 9. So, around those days.
I'm so glad I finally got a copy of that recording from Ali.
By
crystal, at 17/4/07 6:20 pm
Post a Comment
<< Home