"D-Town?"
"D-Town."
"D-Town!"

An excerpt from a circular conversation that occurred in Antigonish when Jon, a fan named Brandon, and I all learned that we all hailed from Dartmouth. Every time the abbreviation was said, it was followed by a different punctuation mark. It was quite and exciting and hilarious bonding moment.

I was going to start this post by thank St. FX for giving us a big bottle of whiskey, and then drinking most of it, but since my confused anger I have learned that the sound guys were rented and thus likely thought the food and booze was for everyone.

The weekend may have been a strange one (I didn't get university students when I was one, but it) was great to get out of the city and even better to be away with Wintersleep. Watching their set from the side of the stage that first night, I realized that I love them. I had such a warm, happy feeling inside watching them do what they do. I think I even smiled at times.

A lot of people at St. FX were shocked to discover Nancy and I were in the band. One guy mentioned it and I replied, "I know! Half of the band has vaginas!!" while Nancy pointed out that we have different "parts."

Wolfville had a lot of dorks and every single guy had gross, baggy pants on. I mean, I'm not always into the super tight look, but ew, those guys looked like it was 1992. I'm sure these observations have something to do with the Divinity College. A room with far too many Christians in it, all mulling around looking like a bunch of teners on the first day of high school.

Yesterday and last night I laid around watching movies under the covers. I'm sick, but getting better.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend.

Three years ago I was feeling cold and a little boy told me that nose rings were for punks.

1. Do you think people have any misconceptions about you?
absolutely

2. Let's start easy. Bon Scott or Brian Johnson?
Bon Scott, I guess

3. Who was your last call from?
Nancy

4. What show did you last watch?
Jeopardy

5. Do you like Hollister?
I also don't know what that is.

6. If you had to eat a part of your own body, what would you pick?
fingernails

7. If you were Nikola Tesla, would you have killed Thomas Edison?
just maybe

8. Do you remember what you were doing a year ago today?
being crazy. Not sure what I did that night, it being a Saturday

9. Do you think that the British monarchy plays an important role in today's society or is it just an antiquated institution that has outlived its usefulness?
hahahaha

10. Which "Family Matters" character do you most identify with?
I don't remember

11. Do you have family problems?
like what? Do think any family is not dysfunctional in some way? I'm far away from my family, and I love them.

12. Where are most people in your top friends from?
I don't have the top friends thing

13. When did Metallica start to suck?
the black album was a good transition album between the good and the terrible.

14. Who are there pictures of in the room you're currently in?
the students of colonel john stuart elementary school; bucky & vinny of old subway commercial fame; the blonde girl biting her lip that emily painted; i think kurt cobain and maybe axel rose too (I am in the same room as the person I copied this from. My bedroom has a childhood picture of my husband and his grandfather.)

15. Does anyone like you?
I think so. I mean, I have friends...

16. Do you give special ringtones to certain people?
the landline has a few special ringtones for special people, but I didn't program them.

17. What's the weather like outside?
the snow has stopped

18. Have you ever seen a 3D movie in theaters?
I don't think so

19. What is your favorite holiday?
New Year's

20. If you had to wear undergarments made of food, what food would you choose?
ew. I'd go commando.

21. Do you im?
not really

22. Have you memorized your social security number?
yes

23. Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
I've had dreams about being told that someone I loved was dead, so yes. Last night I dreamt someone I hardly know died.

24. Have you ever had a dream that Robert Plant appeared in?
Not that I remember, and if so, I think the correct term is "nightmare".

25. What was the last advice you gave someone?
uh...I told a friend about a job she could apply for if she couldn't take the bullshit of her current one anymore.

26. What radio stations do you listen to the most?
I hardly listen to the radio. When I do, it's ckdu or whatever's on in the van.

27. Do you think that the best rock stars die at 27?
I know some have.

28. Why are you doing this instead of something else?
It's Sunday and I'm procrastinating doing chores.

29. Are you on youtube?
sure

30. Are you on youporn?
I hope not. If so, I need to have a conversation with KC.

31. What's the last food you ate that had salt on it?
I don't add salt to anything, so although it's "in" most things, the only things I really eat that it is "on" are fast-food french fries.

32. What are you watching?
I'm not watching anything, I'm filling out a survey.

33. What did you do last night?
opened for the Stance

34. Would you ever consider having a relationship with a good friend?
If you are friends, that is a relationship. Romantically, friendship is usually required as a foundation. I'm married to a good friend.

35. What piercings do you want to get?
no more than I already have.

36. Have you ever seen your friend cry?
my "friend"? I'm only allowed to have one? (I'm keeping this answer because it's great. Also, yes, I've seen some of my friends cry).

37. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
KC

38. Can you do a push-up?
the girly kind

39. Have you ever had a panic attack?
yes

40. Have you ever panicked because you have an unequal number of hot dogs and hot dog buns?
no

41. Would you ever consider moving back to your hometown?
I've thought about it. No matter which hometown I consider, the answer is no.

42. Do you think the prophecies of Nostradamus are accurate or just interpreted in such a way as to make them seem prophetic?
a little from column a, a little from column b, not that I've really thought about it in 12 years.

43. What do you think about the person that last commented on you?
I took this from facebook, so I guess you mean the last person who posted on my wall. I like Asmund a lot and I hope to see him again someday.

44. Who sings the song you last sang?
Red House Painters. I slept while we listened to them on the way home from Sackville last night and woke up today with them in my head again.

45. Plans for this weekend?
Wolfville and Antigonish. Maybe Hell's Kitchen on Saturday.

46. How was last weekend?
pretty good. I like Sackville.

47. Have you ever been to California?
absolutely

48. What are you listening to right now?
the sounds of the computer and the fridge. I think I'll finish that Sebadoh album I was listening to the other day while I clean my room.

Three years ago I was too lazy to actually write (like today) and was into confrontation.

How do I get off this roller coaster?

I like the Space Echo, but I shouldn't talk about gear. It shows me as the idiot I am.

Four years ago I did some vocals for noisebloodassault.

I'm really enjoying the new Walkman. It's my first one. I've had tape players and CD players, but never actual Walkman brand. A very young me is very happy. Maybe now that I've finally gotten past my childhood disappointment, I can take a few more steps forward so to speak. Lately I've been going in circles not knowing which exit to take off the roundabout. I take the wrong one and get back on the roundabout to try again. The wall I've been constructing my whole life in an attempt to not feel things so intensely is crumbling. In the end, that's probably a good thing because I built it too well and found it hard sometimes to feel anything at all. But it hurts.

Anyway, the Walkman. There's still a lot of stuff on there I haven't listened to yet. Today started with Chaos UK, then the Dickies. I think it'll be some nice Red House Painters to help me drift (or cry) into sleep:

Over My Head

some odd door
some blooming tree
senseless and awkward
feeling hard uneased
sleep in rooms where people leave
dry of gentleness
of life
of breeze

sometimes you get so alone without a friend
it's hard to know who you are
and to pretend
little lights reaching over my head
shiny sinks to let myself out in

and you won't call to say it's all right
'cause you know it lasts all night
you know you should be at home
where it's good to be tired
under a roof that you know
that we're inside

some odd door
off-white painted sills
faded pictures gathered round me still

and I know what you face in the night
and I know you'll be alright

I've been up for nearing an hour and a half. I don't even know if my little alarm clock works because I woke up too early and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm not even sure I really was asleep looking back over most of the night. I'm so silly like that. I still can never sleep Christmas Eve, even when we open our presents before going to bed. But this isn't excitement like Christmas. I guess it's more nervousness. I don't want to screw up on my first day of work since September. But how can I not if I hardly slept? Since I left the office last year, the only times I've gotten up this early, I got into a van or other vehicle and went back to sleep (and even then, it wasn't 7:00 early). Except maybe while my mother was here. It'll be nice to get into the routine, though. Come home, do some chores, make some dinner, relax, and get ready to do it all over again. But this week will be hard. I'm not in the routine yet.

That was a pretty clean reboot.

It's almost like the last year didn't even happen, except that it brought me to a better place to start this year. Last year I was an absolute fucking mess. I was irrational, emotional, paranoid, and mean. I couldn't really cope with anything. Now, I've been on my meds for awhile and although I'm still a mental case, it's controllable (until I drink my face off). Last year, I was in dire need of getting a job and finally signed up at the temp place, but the early morning jobs added to my instabilities as I couldn't sleep early even if I had to and was tired from getting up. I didn't have anything really suitable to wear to the offices I was going to. Now, I'm going back to an office I've already spent a few months in. I have a better wardrobe, I'm more okay with getting up (actually, I got to like it last year). Last year, I was screaming and crying and treating my husband like shit, trying to push him away. Now, things are really good, I love his company, this new arrangement came at just the right time and seems to be working. Last year, I couldn't hold a conversation with anybody, except drunken rambling. Now, I feel an actual bond with the people in my life, I enjoy listening to them, and I can even add my two cents sometimes. Last year I was in a bad place financially, now I have to start paying back my student loans (so, not everything's better this time around).

Four years ago I listed the pathetic contents of my refrigerator.

I make mountains out of molehills. But I always pass them and it fades away when I reach the foothills of the next mountain.

Two years ago I dealt with a jerk at work and welcomed a jerk to town.

I'd like to thank Eggroll for introducing me to my new favourite website.

Two years ago I wasn't really feeling it anymore, I dwelled on things as I probably always will, and I made up a fake name for a friend who broke stuff NYE.

Last night I made a list of all the things I need to do, starting almost immediately, to head in the direction I want to with my life. I guess I wrote out some short-term goals that will help me achieve my long-term goals. You know, the stuff they make you do in school to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. But, I've already failed.

KC's back at work today. Since I've spent most of the week sleeping, I asked him to get me up before he left this morning. Believing that was too early, we compromised with him setting his alarm for me for like 10:30. Well, I turned the alarm off and slept until after 2:00. I get sucked into dreamland sometimes and don't ever want to get up, lying there trying to remember where I'd left off as I doze back into slumber. I suppose I needed it in some ways with the peak my alcoholism has been reaching. I looked in the mirror yesterday and what I saw looking back at me was my father soon before my mother said enough is enough (which has been said to me at times). Nipples. I've admitted and joked about my drinking problem plenty of times. I've tried getting it under control plenty of times, and the proof of that can be found in my archives. But I've finally gotten to the point where enough is enough from my perspective. You can't really successfully change something unless you are doing it for yourself. "When you change, you gotta change by yourself." I've spent the week not only sleeping, but beating myself up mentally. I was so fucking angry at myself a couple of days ago. Sure, I had fun. Sure I didn't really do anything that bad. But it was bad enough for me. I just couldn't reconcile the behaviour with the idea that I like to hold of myself. I'm not that. I am an addict, though. I get addicted to anything I touch. Even people. Fuck you to all those who have taken advantage of that or are considering doing so.

So, anyway, I had all these big plans of what I was going to do today. I was going to go down to Supertemp, go to the bank, go shopping for more office clothes, clean my soiled carpet. It looks like it's a nice day for all of that. But I spent the morning fighting with the people I love the most (in my dreams). Now, KC will be home soonish, so I think I'm going to stay here and wait for him. Clean and set up his place when I should be cleaning and setting up my own.

At least I called my old job. They're working on getting me back in the office at the mall. I'm happy about that. It's too bad, though, that the first day I feel healthy, I want to celebrate the only way I really know how.

PS-FUCK PC LAPTOPS!!! Why does this thing keep jumping to wherever the cursor is, typing where I've already typed, sending things that shouldn't be sent? I mean, this machine is great for a lot of things, but I just don't understand the design. I can't sit here and ramble-type off the top of my head, because it's a jumbled mess I have to fix the shit out of.

Four years ago I wrote a stupid post including some of the details surrounding my first attempt at getting help for my, uh, mental issues.

no no no no no

I hope what I felt yesterday was rock bottom. Things can't get worse. Well, they could, but I couldn't handle if they did. If I didn't hit bottom, I am close and was lucky enough to land on a plateau to climb up from.

I had a lot of fun the other night, but I'm not without shame. I can't believe myself.

Am I ever really going to do the things I want to do, change the things I want to change, be the person I want to be? I guess, starting now, I'm going to give it another try. As long as I don't give up, I'll make progress. Looking back to a year ago, I am happy with where I've gone, but it's disappointing to still have so far to go. Starting the new year feeling like a turd is probably exactly what I needed. I'm determined to wake up a year from now and actually like myself. Maybe even be proud. Onwards and upwards from here.

shit

Oh my. So, I just woke up. My bed is empty and there is a note from my poor sick, guy. I'm still drunk and a little embarrassed of my behaviour. I'm so lucky to have someone like KC taking care of me, even when I'm supposed to be taking care of him. I found my cigarettes. How many parties do you wake up to find your smokes in tact?

I hope the people who came to my house had a good time. I guess I should drink some water and clean up the mess I made in my room.

I wish you were still here. I'm sorry that I lost control. Thank you so much for being so awesome.

Yeah, I'm definitely still drunk. I'm gonna drink some water and go back to bed.