God Damn.

Mother FUCK!

I've just been randomly swearing today. It's pretty awesome. Just yelling. Out of the blue.

I wonder what the photo guys think about the show we gave them. Well, I wasn't the one asking them about their red penises or if they've ever smiled at a big ole pile of dog shit. (I did. I stuck my dick into it.)

You know what else was awesome? Walking home from the bar last night, crying. I must've been too drunk (off the two Pepsis I drank) to properly contain my emotions. You know how it goes. There's always one drunk guy sitting in the corner bawling at the end of a good night.

"Fuck!" "Fuck what?" "Just fuck, OK? That's all I have to say."

Noise music really fucks me up. I don't hate it, but I find it very hard to handle. I guess that's the point in many ways. I didn't make it very far into the Bastard Noise set when I stood up and bolted out of the room (I was sitting on the floor in the back, not standing and watching). I sat in a chair out in the mall, eating candy, wandered around a bit, and finally settled into a spot behind the doors behind the merch tables. I pulled my knees close to my chest and rested my forehead on them. It was perfect. On the other side of the wall, I could still hear much of the noise, but I didn't have my insides jiggling and vibrating making me feel sick. I was curled up in a nice little ball and didn't have to worry about standing.

And, most importantly, I was alone. In fact, last night was great for that. I've been wanting to get back to being myself, instead of the rambling pathetic loser who tries so damn hard for everyone to like her. I'm surly and stand-offish. I remember the days before I started playing in bands, and therefore, before people had much reason to talk to me, I would go to shows and watch the bands. I would sit at parties at Armoury place writing in a notebook grunting at most of the people who approached me. Why did I ever try to play those bullshit social games? Well, I can't be too hard on myself. They were fun for a bit. I've decided to not say hi to too many people anymore. It's nothing personal. I'm just tired of not knowing how to read people. Back to being a loner. I know it's lame to put the onus on everyone else to approach me, but everybody's got to live their life. And God knows I've got to live mine.

So, last night, I watched the bands, by myself. I walked around the mall, by myself. I talked to a few friends a bit, and went out with them while they smoked. I sat on the floor, by myself. Then, the noise started and the panic hit. But, that was fine, once I was out in the hall, by myself. It was all really quite enjoyable. I could barely stand when the set was over. Every cell of my body quivering, I leaned against a wall and shakily tried to make conversation while I waited for the husband so we could take Cory home. I'm so glad he's visiting from Hammertown (he didn't listen to his friends). I love Lavender. I don't know what I'm going to do when he leaves.


Now I must nap. I have a show tonight and an early office job tomorrow.

Last year, DROCK performed our second ceremony and my something blue was my hair.