What a hard morning.

I've got to stop drinking every day. Too many depressants in my life.

I woke up and the insides of my cheeks were chewed to shit. It seems my occasional teeth grinding has evolved to include shredding my cheeks. Great.

From there, KC and I tried to go as long as we could without smoking. But towards the end of my first coffee and what probably would've been the end of our second shared cigarette, I started bickering. So he took a week to notice my new jacket. Fuck, I don't have to be such a bitch about it. After the stress I caused, we shared some poison, and things turned better before he left for work.

Then, the hornet. I first noticed it yesterday evening while folding my laundry. I had the clean clothes waiting for me at home while I procrastinated at the One World. Then, just as I was writing about this weekend and going to reply to some emails, the computer started acting funny. So, I logged out of everything (so important on public computers), paid, and went home. I was spending too much time there at ten cents a minute anyway...

Since I had the house to myself (and Piggy) for awhile and my room is such a mess that it only triggers anxiety, I sat on the couch sorting through the three garbage bags or recently cleaned stuff and began finally watching season 4 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Suddenly, I hear a loud buzzing and I look up to see a huge black insect flying around the light fixture. Thinking it was a freakishly large fly, I immediately shouted "PIGGY! BZZZ!" and she came running to my rescue. Then I noticed the yellow stripes. "Oh no! Piggy, NO! It'll sting you!" But I can't grab the monster and take her to safety. She lets me pet her sometimes and gives me kisses, put there was no way I could pick her up and take her away from her prey. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I ran up to my bedroom and sat on my bed taking deep breaths trying to think of something to do. I've never actually been stung before and my fear gets slightly worse the more time goes by without experiencing that pain. After a few minutes, I went down to grab the stuff I'd folded. The hornet was trying to get out the window. I think there's a way he could get out, so I left him to it. When I came back down for the last armload, the bug was crawling down the back of the couch, while Piggy acted strange in the other room. Perhaps she was stung. I spent the rest of the evening in my room listening to CDs and reorganizing dresser drawers.

Well, I guess the little fucker spent the whole night under the couch. Just after noon, just after the man of the house left, while Emily was reading a letter from a friend who doesn't live here, I saw him crawling up the curtain. We took the Pimp up to my room and shut the door. I went at the bug with Windex and a sneaker. I was trying to be brave. I sprayed the thing a few times, and he turned around and gave me a dirty look. "Oh Fuck! He's coming to get me!!" I couldn't get close enough to smoosh him with my shoe. I ran towards the door. If I was the only one home, I'd have just left for work early. Emily got some heavy duty cleaner and soaked him. He crawled up the curtain, getting slower by the second, and then he fell over on his back.

I really wish I wasn't so needy. I'm so sick of myself. However, I'm okay with being a joke. It feels good to be back in familiar territory. I've always been a joke.

Last year, I felt like my husband loved me, but he didn't like me.