I do not tell lies. Mother used to say that this was because I was a good person. But it is not because I am a good person. It is because I can't tell lies.
I'm really enjoying this book. It's silly to admit this, but it's already brought me close to tears a few times. KC thinks that means it's a good book. I don't know if it's a good book. I don't know if he would like it or if you would like it, but I want my parents to read it. I want to talk to them after they read it. I've been told not to talk to my parents about my childhood. I've been told that doing so would probably bring back bad memories for them and that's not fair. But is it fair to me to be going through this by myself at 26? My mom said to me once, "You don't remember much about your childhood do you?" She told me I spent the first 3 years of my life in and out of doctors' offices. Why didn't they ever talk to me about this? I know they wanted me to be myself and not live with the stigma of a label and special education. I was smart enough to get by in normal school, and the doctors never did decide on a label for me. But, did they think I'd b e better off never being told? I mean, no wonder I've had troubles with relationships and school and career choices.
Some of you probably took some things I said recently the wrong way. I'm talking about myself. I don't hate people. I bring up examples sometimes. Some of you have probably changed your opinion of me. Some of you probably think I'm more fucked up/crazy than you had realized. Probably true. Some of you probably think it's stupid or pathetic for me to be obbessing over this. I have a lot. I've just never told you. Some of you probably just think I'm trying to blame my problems on something. Trying to find an excuse to let me be a shy freak. I don't know how to explain that finding a reason is different than looking for an excuse.
Oh, and I have to return some things and pick up some things from people's places. I'm thinking tomorrow before work, but I'll call first.
And you, you in particular. I wasn't talking about you at all. I feel so bad about the miscommunication when I read your long, heart-felt email. I'll write you back soon, tonight probably. I need to go to work now. I love you.
I'm really enjoying this book. It's silly to admit this, but it's already brought me close to tears a few times. KC thinks that means it's a good book. I don't know if it's a good book. I don't know if he would like it or if you would like it, but I want my parents to read it. I want to talk to them after they read it. I've been told not to talk to my parents about my childhood. I've been told that doing so would probably bring back bad memories for them and that's not fair. But is it fair to me to be going through this by myself at 26? My mom said to me once, "You don't remember much about your childhood do you?" She told me I spent the first 3 years of my life in and out of doctors' offices. Why didn't they ever talk to me about this? I know they wanted me to be myself and not live with the stigma of a label and special education. I was smart enough to get by in normal school, and the doctors never did decide on a label for me. But, did they think I'd b e better off never being told? I mean, no wonder I've had troubles with relationships and school and career choices.
Some of you probably took some things I said recently the wrong way. I'm talking about myself. I don't hate people. I bring up examples sometimes. Some of you have probably changed your opinion of me. Some of you probably think I'm more fucked up/crazy than you had realized. Probably true. Some of you probably think it's stupid or pathetic for me to be obbessing over this. I have a lot. I've just never told you. Some of you probably just think I'm trying to blame my problems on something. Trying to find an excuse to let me be a shy freak. I don't know how to explain that finding a reason is different than looking for an excuse.
Oh, and I have to return some things and pick up some things from people's places. I'm thinking tomorrow before work, but I'll call first.
And you, you in particular. I wasn't talking about you at all. I feel so bad about the miscommunication when I read your long, heart-felt email. I'll write you back soon, tonight probably. I need to go to work now. I love you.
posted by crystal at
1:41 pm
3 Comments:
Hey Crystal,
Thanks for the last couple of posts. I feel more than a little ignorant, but I'd like to hope that I have a little better understanding of AS from what you've written and reading a few other sites on the net.
I wish I could leave a much better response to you than this, but Mark Black ain't so hot with writing responses. I always feel like I'm being contrived.
See you soon,
Mark
By
Die Brucke, at 4/7/05 3:22 pm
Mark, when I first read your comment last night, I thought about it while falling asleep. I thought it was nice of you to say. But then I realized you might be sarcastic. You might be saying thank you as if I was trying to be an expert on the topic, but was ignorant myself. But I'm not saying any of this the way Tom Cruise claims to know so much about mental illness and that Brooke Shields should've taken vitamins for her postpartum depression.
But, after re-reading my own posts and your comment, I've concluded that you mean it, so I'll say you're welcome. I don't think I did a good job explaining things. I didn't come at it as I would if I were writing an essay. I didn't write it in a way that I was trying to teach you. Mainly because I can't really explain it well. We're all ignorant about things. I once got in trouble about something I (jokingly) said about schizophrenia. It was taken in a way I didn't mean it by someone who had just met me, and I realized I shouldn't have said it. (but we were trying to explain why we were afraid of the guy we met at Seth and Nancy's. We weren't afraid because of his illness per se, but the things he was saying). I may not understand schizophrenia, but when a certain someone comes into the store, I treat him like a person. I don't believe, as he does, that he talked to George Bush in his living room. But, I understand that he believes it. It doesn't make him a bad person.
Don't worry about the quality of your response. Thanks for responding in general. I understand it could be a hard thing to reply to. I understand what you mean by feeling contrived. I've read other people's blogs and wanted to reply about something that really seemed important, and wish I had something better to say to them.
By
crystal, at 5/7/05 12:49 pm
Shit, I also meant to mention the reading a few other sites. I didn't present good information here, but if it made you (or anybody reading this) search out some information then that's great. I know there are many many sites out there, some of them are more reliable and accurate than others.
Thank you.
By
crystal, at 5/7/05 2:17 pm
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