I am the Great Ruinator.

Not only do I ruin happy days, but I ruin people. Just take a look at anyone who has spent time loving me and you'll see how different they were before me and how much better off they'd be having never had met me.

Without Facebook, it looks like I'll have to turn back to blogger to express the bullshit that gets stuck in my brain and threatens to ruin my day.

So here's a mini rant:

It was NEWS today that some local racist asshole was racist to an Asian lady driver in a road rage incident.

I can't understand for the life of me why that piece of shit's face was blurred in the footage.

I hate this world.

Today, I'm enjoying my day. Watching Star Trek and very slowly and thoroughly tidying up the main floor. With beer and smoke. I've also been sorting through all my crazy notes. If you didn't want to forget you should have written it down. I'm finally organizing it into certain lists or garbage. My goal for the year is to really work on organizing things (people, places, feelings) into lists or trashing them. I carry too much around with me everywhere I go.

Ten years ago, I was back together with my husband. For a few more weeks. We broke up for real at a best friend's birthday party. I had developed feelings for an idea of something, and our relationship wasn't it. I'm pretty sure I said some hurtful things. I only have a dissociated, hazy impression of a memory.

I've been feeling pretty badly the last few days.

The Great Ruinator reared her ugly head on the weekend and made my bestie very sad on her 30th.

We went somewhere very busy on opening weekend. I knew I'd have a hard time with the crowd. And I tried very hard to stifle it.

What I didn't know was that we'd have less than an hour to enjoy the exhibit. I'd heard (or thought I'd heard) on the news the night before that the hours had been extended to 9 pm every night to accommodate the high demand. I thought I could handle the people if I was still able to take my time to get my full enjoyment out of it.

I was wrong. And I reacted with panic and anger.

The thing is, my twisted brain is starting to convince me that it wasn't all my fault. That if someone had just listened to me, actually heard what I was trying to express, and said something like "I see what you're saying. I'm disappointed too. I hear you and I'm sorry you're upset." then maybe I could let it go and we could have had a good night. Maybe.

Instead I was made to feel like my feelings were wrong and people wanted to just ignore them. So naturally I got MORE upset (and STILL managed to stifle much of it).

But we'll never know, will we?

Nah, I'm sure that's just my twisted mind. I'm a nasty monster and I deserve to feel awful most of the time.

Now I need to figure out how to make it up to her. But I don't know how to make things up to people. I don't know vow to be a friend. I just know how to lose friends (just be myself. Eventually they'll realize the darkness inside me isn't just some little quirk and they'll run).