I'm such an asshole. I know you know that, but you may not know that I actually really hate it even though I pretend to like it. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but this isn't working. I try and I try and I try, and then I complain, and blammo, I'm the asshole. I'm "constantly complaining." I'm reminded that I'm shit and I ruin everything, and then when I react to that? Well, then I'm an even bigger asshole. I don't like being moody. I don't like the way people end up feeling around me. But I don't like how I've been feeling either. I don't like how it seems like it's all my fault. Sure, I have a horrible tendency to blame others, but I will admit my fault. I just won't accept all of the blame because I don't believe that it's true. Why do I always have to be the one to change? To compromise? That's not actually compromise, when it's one-sided. No, that's sacrifice. I really want this to work, but how? How can I fix things if you can't explain to me what's wrong in the first place. If it's just me being me, and not something that can be pinpointed and worked on, then doesn't that just mean you don't like me? I won't blame you for that if that's the truth. I'm not an easy one to like. At least, not after someone really gets to know me. It's okay. Really, it is. It's not your fault.
As much as the words sting when they are thrown at me, I agree. Why can't I just be normal? I try to love myself. I try to deal with my weaknesses by encouraging my strengths. But I'm so fucking sick and tired of being crazy. I've already lost my husband and now I'm on the verge of losing the only thing that has been important to me for a long time. And I don't even know what to do to prevent it.
No wonder the only thing anybody wants with me is to get me drunk and stick their cock in my mouth. Everyone knows I'm too crazy to have any actual quality time with.
posted by crystal at
10:26 pm
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