I deserve everything I get. The healing power of punishment.

So, I guess I drink and smoke again. I'm pretty disappointed in myself, but that's life. Always keeping you guessing. Always letting you down. Or, at least, that's my life. The drinking is pretty controlled. For now. I'm only mentioning it so as to not be accused of being one of those people who claim to quit, and then drink when out of town as a secret relapse. Drinking in secret leads to more drinking in secret which leads to worse alcoholism. I don't like secrets.

I do like honesty and communication. Even when it sucks. And things do now. But that's temporary. Another fact of life. The only thing that is consistent is change.

The smoking really bothers me. It's gross and I felt so much healthier in those months as an ex-smoker. Quitting smoking was truly one of the most difficult things I've even done. I have a history of taking the easy road. Whenever I tried to quit, I'd go a little crazy and give in almost instantly. I'm not sure if I'm prepared to go through that again. But I have to. And it has to be soon. I don't even have any money for this disgusting habits. Habits are so hard to change. I guess I should just lock myself in my room for a few days and get it over with. Now's a good time since I'm not working yet and therefore won't yell at customers. Yes, I'll have customers again. It looks like I'm going back to my old job. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I'm happy about a few things. For starters, I can actually laugh again. I don't know the last time I've felt genuine happiness.

Also, I feel alive again. I've never spent much time living my own life. I spent it all surviving. Trying my damnedest to keep everyone around me happy. I'm a very self-centred person. This is true. But at the same time, I put myself last. What do I want to do? What do I want to eat or listen to? It doesn't matter. It never mattered. Whatever my companion wants is god enough for me. But it's not. No. Sometimes a person has to think of themselves. It's too bad that in trying to do that I convinced myself to ruin the only thing I had. But, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I had been lying to myself and everyone else for so long. Those around me may have noticed that I haven't been much of a person at all. Just sitting around. Looking at magazines. Watching TV. Staring at the wall. I can't do that to myself anymore.

After a lifetime of hating myself, I finally have a real reason to. And, yet, when I walk home from downtown, I don't have the urge to jump in front of a bus. And that, my friends, fills me with a joy and amazement that I don't think I've ever felt.

Something was funny last year. Probably some drunken debauchery.