Conversation from months ago, after watching some Tourette's Guy* with Stacy and Adam [probably not entirely accurate]:
"I went to school with a guy who had something like Tourette's Syndrome. Asperger's..."
"Asperger's isn't like Tourette's. It's High Functioning Autism."
"Well, whatever, he used to get in trouble a lot for just blurting out what was on his mind. He would just blurt out the truth like "you're fat." He got in trouble so much. It was funny."
"She has Asperger's."
Thanks. I wasn't exactly out of the closet with that one. I haven't looked into it enough.
"Oh, I'm sorry."
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Seriously, if you consider yourself a friend to me, stop fucking expecting me to act and react like a "normal" person. It's NOT going to happen. I try. I've been struggling and trying my whole life. But, I've finally come to a point where I can't be bothered. I work on my social skills like you learn how to drive a car. I have to consciously think of what to do and say next. Unlike you driving a car, I don't think body language will ever be natural to me. Even though I am able to force myself to make eye contact, like at work, I try so hard at work, it's exhausting. It's over-stimulating. After talking to hundreds of people after a few hours at work, I want to be comfortable enough to be myself around my friends. If that means staring at your mouth when you talk, or staring at the paintings/posters on the wall, or glasses and cans all over the table, while fidgeting with my hands and holding a disjointed conversation, so be it. I don't want to exhaust myself around people I thought were taking me for who I am.
I have friends with "flaws." Friends that are needy, friends that are careless assholes, some are smarter than others, some have ADD or ADHD or dyslexia or other mental or emotional problems, diseases and disorders. I take them for who they are. In many cases, what makes them different than normal people is part of what I like so much. For that matter, what is normal? It doesn't really exist. We're all unique. However, when it comes to people like me versus people like you, there is a defined "normal." In the stuff I've read, people like you (but probably not all of you. Some of you very well could be like me) are referred to as Neurotypicals. In other words, what makes me different than the "typical" person is neurological. I can't help it. I don't see or relate to the world in a way that most people do. My brain processes information differently. It's just a fact. "They" don't know the cause yet, and it's probably a combination of factors rather than a singular cause. I was premature, but I don't know any statistics of the number of Aspies who were premature. It's most likely at least partially hereditary, and most of us can think of at least one "eccentric" family member with similar qualities and traits. There's also a possible connection to mercury in vaccines, but I don't know if that's strictly for full blown autistics, or anyone on the spectrum. If it's a spectrum, then logically it should extend to anyone on it. Experts haven't even decided if Asperger's IS High Functioning Autism, or if they are two separate afflictions.
I don't know why I'm trying to explain this. Especially right now, when I'm so upset about such small things that my thoughts are scattered and I'm ranting. Probably because of what has me upset. I want you to understand (or at least accept it) and/or to just fuck off.
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What happened to me when I started playing in bands? In the last couple of years, I've gone through things I had already been through. I've some to realizations I've made in the past. I know what it is. I started becoming social. It was forced on me. Before I was in any bands, I could tag along with KC and my 3 friends, and if they tried to introduce me to someone, I could just say "nice to meet you" and move on with my life. Once I started playing in bands, the number of people I was meeting increased drastically. I couldn't get off stage and hang out with my friends, and their friends. I had strangers approaching me, telling me about their bands, buying me drinks. I liked that people were talking to me. I liked that people liked me. But, I couldn't pull it off. I was "shy" and anxious. I was a terrible conversationalist. So, I started drinking more than I used to. The alcohol numbed the anxiety, and helped me to talk (annoyingly and repeatedly about topics people weren't interested in, rambling on about myself, not noticing they were getting bored). I had a lot of fun for awhile and made some friends I otherwise wouldn't've.
But I let it get to my head. I began to believe that friends of friends were my friends too. I began to believe that anyone that was nice to me was a friend. Of course I was wrong. I feel better now that I have clued in.
I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I'm off to work now. Besides, I wouldn't want this post to be too long.
*Responses to Tourette's Guy
This day last year, I explained how I was more interested in this election than any in the past, but I still didn't vote.
"I went to school with a guy who had something like Tourette's Syndrome. Asperger's..."
"Asperger's isn't like Tourette's. It's High Functioning Autism."
"Well, whatever, he used to get in trouble a lot for just blurting out what was on his mind. He would just blurt out the truth like "you're fat." He got in trouble so much. It was funny."
"She has Asperger's."
Thanks. I wasn't exactly out of the closet with that one. I haven't looked into it enough.
"Oh, I'm sorry."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seriously, if you consider yourself a friend to me, stop fucking expecting me to act and react like a "normal" person. It's NOT going to happen. I try. I've been struggling and trying my whole life. But, I've finally come to a point where I can't be bothered. I work on my social skills like you learn how to drive a car. I have to consciously think of what to do and say next. Unlike you driving a car, I don't think body language will ever be natural to me. Even though I am able to force myself to make eye contact, like at work, I try so hard at work, it's exhausting. It's over-stimulating. After talking to hundreds of people after a few hours at work, I want to be comfortable enough to be myself around my friends. If that means staring at your mouth when you talk, or staring at the paintings/posters on the wall, or glasses and cans all over the table, while fidgeting with my hands and holding a disjointed conversation, so be it. I don't want to exhaust myself around people I thought were taking me for who I am.
I have friends with "flaws." Friends that are needy, friends that are careless assholes, some are smarter than others, some have ADD or ADHD or dyslexia or other mental or emotional problems, diseases and disorders. I take them for who they are. In many cases, what makes them different than normal people is part of what I like so much. For that matter, what is normal? It doesn't really exist. We're all unique. However, when it comes to people like me versus people like you, there is a defined "normal." In the stuff I've read, people like you (but probably not all of you. Some of you very well could be like me) are referred to as Neurotypicals. In other words, what makes me different than the "typical" person is neurological. I can't help it. I don't see or relate to the world in a way that most people do. My brain processes information differently. It's just a fact. "They" don't know the cause yet, and it's probably a combination of factors rather than a singular cause. I was premature, but I don't know any statistics of the number of Aspies who were premature. It's most likely at least partially hereditary, and most of us can think of at least one "eccentric" family member with similar qualities and traits. There's also a possible connection to mercury in vaccines, but I don't know if that's strictly for full blown autistics, or anyone on the spectrum. If it's a spectrum, then logically it should extend to anyone on it. Experts haven't even decided if Asperger's IS High Functioning Autism, or if they are two separate afflictions.
I don't know why I'm trying to explain this. Especially right now, when I'm so upset about such small things that my thoughts are scattered and I'm ranting. Probably because of what has me upset. I want you to understand (or at least accept it) and/or to just fuck off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened to me when I started playing in bands? In the last couple of years, I've gone through things I had already been through. I've some to realizations I've made in the past. I know what it is. I started becoming social. It was forced on me. Before I was in any bands, I could tag along with KC and my 3 friends, and if they tried to introduce me to someone, I could just say "nice to meet you" and move on with my life. Once I started playing in bands, the number of people I was meeting increased drastically. I couldn't get off stage and hang out with my friends, and their friends. I had strangers approaching me, telling me about their bands, buying me drinks. I liked that people were talking to me. I liked that people liked me. But, I couldn't pull it off. I was "shy" and anxious. I was a terrible conversationalist. So, I started drinking more than I used to. The alcohol numbed the anxiety, and helped me to talk (annoyingly and repeatedly about topics people weren't interested in, rambling on about myself, not noticing they were getting bored). I had a lot of fun for awhile and made some friends I otherwise wouldn't've.
But I let it get to my head. I began to believe that friends of friends were my friends too. I began to believe that anyone that was nice to me was a friend. Of course I was wrong. I feel better now that I have clued in.
I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I'm off to work now. Besides, I wouldn't want this post to be too long.
*Responses to Tourette's Guy
This day last year, I explained how I was more interested in this election than any in the past, but I still didn't vote.
posted by crystal at
11:26 am
5 Comments:
Hey Crystal, I know we don't speak that much these days, but I hope you know that I consider you a friend, and a good one at that. Almost a year ago you were the only person in this entire city that'd hang out with me on my birthday. "Normal" can kiss my ass.
I wish I could've lent you that book -I had no idea at the time why it was of such interest to you- but it was borrowed from a girl who isn't even in this province anymore.
By
Eb, at 30/6/05 4:22 pm
Hey Claudette! I'll do my best to stop by in my busy schedule tonight.
eb: I do know that you consider me a friend and I hope you know it's mutual. I go in and out of relationships with friends. It's nothing personal if we haven't spoken much recently. I truly live in the now, but I can't explain what I mean by that. Maybe I'll figure out how to explain it in my next detailed, thought-out post about my Syndrome. I DO have more to say to make myself clear.
I had such a good time on your birthday last year. It's so much easier for me to spend time with people one-on-one rather than packed living rooms at parties.
If you could just remind me the name of the book, I'll try to find it myself sometime.
By
crystal, at 30/6/05 6:14 pm
Yo Crys, I just got yr Halifaxlocals PM and was checkin the blog. I'm in NY, missing you and KC and Halifax...
I've been thinking about that conversation we had the other night about all our friends having some kind of neurological condition (I'm OCD, KC's ADD, you have Aspberger's). And how neurological condition, even when it's minor conditions like ours, might be as relevent in determining social circles as, say, class. The more I think about it, the more interesting I find this as an explanation of the different groups. Also, the prouder I am to be one of the "abnormals" and the less I'd want to be one of the "normals" (of which there is the Palace-going variety and the Cheney/Rumsfeld variety).
By
Anonymous, at 13/8/05 1:17 pm
cookiej: Good to hear from you. I don't know if you'll get this comment, but I'll email you soon. I have so many people to email. I'm getting as bad with that as I am with the phone. We miss you and we are both happy and thankful to have re-met you in Montreal and get to know you so well. I've never become friends with someone quicker.
Just to clarify, in case some of my friends read this, we didn't really say that all our friends have some kind of neurological condition. But you know, even without putting much thought into it, I can say I fully believe it has a part in determining social circles. I've been bullied by NTs my whole life. Of course I'm going to be friends with people I can relate to, but not just on the bullying level. KC wasn't bullied much. But, his interests span so much more than the normal fashion, pop culture, simply gaining knowledge for knowledge's sake, etc.
Class is obviously important as well. Friends may be better or worse of than me (or were better or worse of as children, you know, they're parents financial situation), but most of my friends are still in the general area of poorness. Being better off than my parents would still but you in Lower-Middle class.
Anyway, I'm rambling and it's not even all clear to me what I'm saying. I'm glad you can find pride in teaming with the "abnormals."
By
crystal, at 16/8/05 11:04 am
*with "knowledge for knowledge's sake", I'm still talking about pop culture and stuff. Like knowing every song on every album and why you love certain albums more than others, and the names of all the people in the band and the other bands the members have been in...
Of course, some people know all that stuff because they really love a certain artist, and some people are just obsessive, but you know how "normal" people like to brag about how much they know, and ask what your favourite album was, or favourite bass players.
That's why I don't like to talk about music. I don't know or care about any of that.
By
crystal, at 16/8/05 11:08 am
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