I don't know what DROCK had me vow two years ago. All I remember is it had something to do with beer and poop. We were already married. I had no intention of keeping vows that would drunkenly spew from his mouth. The night was for fun. The kind of fun we wouldn't have been able to have at our real wedding reception (which kind of turned out to be non-existent). And it was so so so much fun. I never ended up sending out thank you cards for this ceremony, I meant to, I still have them somewhere, but I believe everyone knows how much I appreciated them being there and any gifts they brought.
These memories will hopefully never go away. But I can't dwell on them. April 6 was supposed to truly be the first day of the rest of my life. And it has been.
I'm feeling better. Twinges of happiness. Not right now, but I did that to myself by thinking and really, I'm not all depressed and full of dread, just a little sad-ish. I say "ish" because I still feel something maybe like joy inside despite the water in my eyes.
I'm not just beginning to feel better emotionally, but physically as well. I'm not drinking every day anymore. I still drink too much when I do and I failed at my goal of not drinking at all through the work week last week. But I'm not drinking every day. That's a good start. I've eaten better at the start of this week. That was thanks to KC, though. He's still taking care of me. I'm pathetic. He gave me some vitamins until I could cash my paycheque and get my own. I'm sleeping better. It's not great and I still wake up a few times throughout the night, but it's better.
As I get comfortable with this routine, I will begin to incorporate my next goals.
Life is good, with the right perspective.
Last year I tried to blame my emotional outbursts and turmoil on Bastard Noise, but that's a lie. The truth is that the dichotomy in my life was beginning to rise to a level where I could no longer ignore it.
These memories will hopefully never go away. But I can't dwell on them. April 6 was supposed to truly be the first day of the rest of my life. And it has been.
I'm feeling better. Twinges of happiness. Not right now, but I did that to myself by thinking and really, I'm not all depressed and full of dread, just a little sad-ish. I say "ish" because I still feel something maybe like joy inside despite the water in my eyes.
I'm not just beginning to feel better emotionally, but physically as well. I'm not drinking every day anymore. I still drink too much when I do and I failed at my goal of not drinking at all through the work week last week. But I'm not drinking every day. That's a good start. I've eaten better at the start of this week. That was thanks to KC, though. He's still taking care of me. I'm pathetic. He gave me some vitamins until I could cash my paycheque and get my own. I'm sleeping better. It's not great and I still wake up a few times throughout the night, but it's better.
As I get comfortable with this routine, I will begin to incorporate my next goals.
Life is good, with the right perspective.
Last year I tried to blame my emotional outbursts and turmoil on Bastard Noise, but that's a lie. The truth is that the dichotomy in my life was beginning to rise to a level where I could no longer ignore it.
posted by crystal at
8:10 pm
4 Comments:
You know, I think this is going around, this wacked-out-sense-of-recovery feeling, and that not-drink-on goal, too. Oh, Nova Scotia, you've poisoned our livers. Good luck, fer real.
Um, I had another embarassing face-blind incedent. Oops. I don't even apologize anymore. Whatevs'. They can deal. :)
By
Anonymous, at 16/4/08 1:44 am
I hope other people are recovering, healing, growing. It makes me happy to think I'm not the only one.
And fuck it, they can deal. I mean, sure not everyone knows it's an issue for you, and many people don't know or understand what it is, but you can't help it. It's like being embarrassed for being deaf or something. You know, someone shouts something to you but you don't react because you can't hear them. Just because you don't recognize someone, or place why you do, doesn't mean you don't like them or they are unimportant to you.
By
crystal, at 16/4/08 6:41 pm
SHIT!! I forgot the to mention the main reason for even posting about my physical and mental health (as if i post about anything else). I wrote this so I could refer to the but by it's real name, now that I've learned it.
Another reason I am starting to feel better is that I am becoming more active. I hardly ever take the pig truck anymore. Unless it's raining, I'm late, or my coworker friend gets us a drive, I walk to and from work. I've always walked to and from work, but this job is farther. It a really nice walk.
By
crystal, at 16/4/08 7:26 pm
refer to the "bus", not "but"
By
crystal, at 16/4/08 7:34 pm
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