I just watched 8.75 episodes of Dexter. It was a very lovely way to spend the day. I've been very relaxed most of the day, but there was an episode of sadness.

I'm starting to recognize the feeling growing inside. The loneliness that nothing and no one can fill at the moment. The loneliness I don't particularly want anyone to fill. Sure there were some tears, but they need to be let out sometimes. They weren't tears caused by the loneliness, but an overwhelming realization that this is it. Like on graduation day. I absolutely hated high school, especially the one where I spent my senior year. I was so happy it was over and so excited to get out into the big world out there. But that didn't stop the fear and sadness. Mourning the loss of a stability I'd always had. Afraid of what might be lurking behind the next corner. In my current situation, there is much to be excited about, and there is also much to grieve. I'm not sure my intense fear is justified, but it's there, and I think I have an understanding as to why.

I decided earlier today that I don't want to leave the house for awhile, except for work. I'm getting in over my head. I'm suddenly in a world that is very new to me; so different than I've ever known. It's not that I don't want it, it's just that I have to be cautious. I don't understand all the nuances and behaviour. I used to be able to hang out with anyone all night and have them walk me home just to be safe. But now that offer comes with so much uninterpretable body language. It could imply something, or I could be reading into it. If it does, it's a thing in a place I am not going yet, so how do I answer "no" to something that hasn't actually been asked? I guess I could continue on the way I have been. It seems alright. I'm just thinking too much. It's okay, I have Dexter to distract me, and when that's done, I'll have more BSG. Oh, and those books. I should make time to look at them tomorrow.