"I like them for the size and shape, but not for the pain."

I loudly said those words while entering a hotel fitness room on my way through to the patio for a smoke. There were two teenage boys in there. They looked at me weird and I laughed and kept walking. I don't know what they thought I was talking about, but I was talking about period boobs.

I didn't know my friend's 30th birthday party was a hotel party. I assumed it was so early so he could go back home afterwards, or something. Or maybe because it was an adult party. Or maybe there would be food. If I'd known, I'd have brought my bathing suit. No bother. The hot tub quickly filled up with old people, and not even ones with us. The party was great. Seeing so many people I used to see often but hadn't in a long time. Seeing people I see in spurts, but not often enough. And having some people there that I see almost daily. Talking about little babies growing in bellies. But, I couldn't stay all night. Obviously, though they were wonderful hosts, the people I've only seen a few times a year recently talked more and had more fun with their more regular friends. And I wanted to go to Gus' with my roommates.

I was already drunk when I got home to gather and head back out again. The next day, I could only remember having two beer at the bar (and one at Jordan's), but the amount left in my wallet implies otherwise. Unless I lost some at some point.

I want to say I enjoyed the show, and I'm sure I did, but I honestly can't recall. I know I enjoyed the company I kept. Until the incident outside. Someone pointed out that Crowley was there. I don't remember what happened next. A few seconds later, I went limp in his arms so as to not struggle since it felt like my neck was on the verge of snapping. Apparently Emily had to freak out, after realizing I was in tremendous pain, to get him off of me and to release the headlock. Pinned to the ground, I was, or so I've been told. Then I got off the ground and started shouting at him "Crowley!! Why did you attack me?!" I guess in the commotion I had forgotten that I started the fight.

It wasn't until Kristen gave me the details last night that I could picture the sequence of events. It's too bad I don't remember throwing the first punch. It was my first. Well, I've hit people before, but usually open-handedly or playfully. I can't think of an actual punch. I mean, I went through a wall-punching phase, but knowing I was hitting a wall, I certainly didn't use all my might. The way Kristen tells it, I certainly put all I had into this punch. I can't think of a reason. Something about seeing him, and being so drunk, made me hitty. Reportedly, I charged at him and swung my arm way back, and punched twisting my back and putting my body weight into it. I hit him somewhere in the back, turned and started walking back to my friends. He looked around and charged me. My neck is stiff, like I was just in a car accident.

We left the bar and a gaggle of us tried to go to Beardo's. I guess the party was over, so we ended up going to Shane's where I think I drank even more. I know I danced in the living room, played with and petted a good dog, slipped and landed hard on my knees, etc. Yes this weekend was like the olden days (which is both good and bad).

Today, when Coronation Street came on after the news I remembered how when I caught part of it last week, I recognized the guy from Red Dwarf. So I looked it up just to know I was right. I can sleep well now knowing.

I'm tired.

Four years ago I was just going off my meds. It lasted three years.