I seriously don't know what I'm doing and it really bothers me.

So, it's been a month. It's been a weird month. It's been a drunk month.

I finally started packing Thursday night. We have two weeks. I didn't know where to start. I didn't know what would be the most productive way to use my time. Then I figured that since everything has to be sorted and packed, then I could start anywhere. Eventually, it'll all be done. So, I sorted through the DVDs. I put them into three piles: "his", "mine", and "needs discussion." I was drinking a tall can while I did it. Then, KC asked if I wanted to go to Charlie's after midnight (when he gets paid). I wasn't really hungry, so I ate another tall can and we left. It was so strange going through the collection. Being so okay with it all. Being nice and getting along. I happy things are going the way they are, but it's certainly loaded with weirdness.

Things started heading downhill at Charlie's. Well, downhill for me, not between us. In an hour or less, I had two more beer. Really, the two tall cans should've been enough for me. But, as I said, it's been a drunk month. I was harassed by a man that I was once again too friendly to, but in this case, I thought KC knew him. I was wrong. The first thing he said when he sat with me was in reference to how racially segregated things are in Halifax. We talked about racism a bit. Later, when he was trying to bed me, he said something about only liking white women and having only been with white women. I told him that was racist. Then I realized I'd pretty much only been with blond guys. This man proceeded to get to forward. He got disgusting, and I had to rip my arm out of his hand. I couldn't give the "back off" signals any better, but he was persistent.

We left and went to a friend's place. I was sickeningly loaded, but that didn't stop me from opening another beer when we got there, and smoking pot (which gave me the spins). KC lectured me on my behaviour with Henry (a man I hope I never see again). He said he understands my exploring perverted conversation topics; I get it from being with him so long, but he said I had to watch out. I might be encouraging potential rapists. That when I discovered he didn't previously know the guy.

I made it home thanks to having Emily on one side guiding me, and KC on the other side holding me up. I threw up all over Cornwallis street (and I think on Agricola). It was liquid. All the booze and some water. It's a good thing it rained that night and all day yesterday.

Yesterday, I'd rather not talk about. I spent the day shopping with Emily, looking for gifts for Nancy. Well, after I could finally get up and I'd had enough to eat and drink to subdue most of the dizziness. But, I was really cranky, too. I found myself wanting to pound my head against a wall, thinking it might very well be the only way to numb my frustration and anger and confusion. I spent so long being so numb to so many things. I'm feeling things I haven't felt since childhood, if at all. I realize that makes me childish and naive. In some ways, I'm no older than 18. Sure, it's embarrassing, but I might as well not try to pretend it's not true.

I had a good time at Nancy's birthday party, considering the hangover. I hope she did.

Cigarettes.

Everything's so new.

Three years ago, I wasn't moving.