Deep breath.

Exhale.

If I sit here too long, I might fall asleep. And I've still a bunch to do.

Monday's are tired days, not because I party too much on the weekends, but because I can't sleep early enough to get up as early as I need to. The first few weeks at this job, I joked that I'll be fine once I get used to it, but I haven't gone to bed before 12:00 since I was about twelve. But, that's not really a joke. In Grade 5, I was staying up watching IT when it first aired on television. I think it started at 10:00. I got my first TV around then as well, and would watch Tales from the Darkside on CBC, or Night Court (at 1:00 after the 11:00 News on a channel in a different time zone).

I couldn't sleep without background noise growing up, and spent most of my life sleeping to the radio, Much Music, or at least the whir of a fan.

The Breakfast Club was on yesterday. I first saw it in Grade 7. That night, I couldn't sleep, so I crawled out of bed around 1:00 to see what was on (I no longer had a TV in my room, and was back to using the radio). It sucked me in. I did get tired, but forced myself to stay up until the end. That next day at school was the first time I remember actually falling asleep in class, although I was always tired. I loved Ally Sheedy. The basketcase. Finally, a movie with a character I could really relate to. The thing I didn't like about that movie was the makeover at the end. Now it's okay for that jock to like her and her to have friends because she looks normal. Who cares about her nutty behaviour? At least she looks the part.

But it's not insomnia. I have little trouble sleeping all morning, and some of the afternoon. I just like to be awake when the noise and stress of the "normal" world is asleep. I can finally feel peaceful in the wee hours of the morning. Well, at least that's why the habit developed in the first place. Now, it's a little ingrained.

So, Monday's are tired days, but only because I try to sleep in and catch up over the weekend, and so, stay up a little later than I'd like.

This is my first time sitting down to enjoy myself all day.

I get up at 6:45. Drink some coffee, watch some BT (I don't know why. It bothers me, but it's what I've come to expect in the mornings). Walk to the bus stop. Work for 8 hours. Like really worked. Not physical labour, but a lot of mental work. It's tiring. It's also tough to sit in a chair all day when I'm used to standing and walking around a store. I stretch my atrophying muscles and walk around the mall on my breaks. I always take the stairs (unless I'm actually spending time with a coworker). I take the bus home. It's the first time I can relax, but that's not guaranteed considering it's public transit. I take the long way home because it comes more frequently, and it gives me time to read. I just finished going back and forth to the laundromat doing 4 loads (at least it's right across the street, so I don't have to stay there the whole time). Now I've already taken too long here. It's time to shower, put food in the oven, do dishes, and take out the garbage. Then, KC gets home, we eat, and go to the jam spot. Even if we're only there for an hour, by the time I pack up, walk home, and finally sit to wind down, it's a little past what should be my bedtime, and just approaching what would be my bedtime if I were already wound down.

If I'm not jamming with anyone tomorrow, maybe I can go to be early (and maybe I can look at those drafts from the weekend). But, I'll probably be too caffeinated just to get through the day. And the vicious cycle begins.

I actually never thought I'd work a regular "9-5" job (except it's a bit earlier). No wonder I'm questioning if I'm being true to myself. People can grow and change and still be themselves. I worry too much.

Three years ago was a typical March day, including a "PS" post.