I'm making myself sick these days. I'm 'doing much better now' than a few months ago. I'm not depressed. I'm learning to use my sewing machine and finally getting through the pile of stuff I've been collecting for years to alter. I'm on a waiting list. It might be safe to say I'm making friends with Piggy. That girl is a hard one to crack.
But I'm nowhere near where I wish I was.
I've been trying to quit smoking since September. I've been flirting with it for years, but for the last few months, I've actually wanted to quit. Most of the time. Or at least, that's what I tell myself. I'm still not really trying.
I'm getting in horrible shape. I've always been in pretty bad shape. It didn't seem like so much of a problem, because I was so small, but physical exertion puts me out of breath. I'm fairly sedentary. Especially now that I no longer walk to the store and around it all day six times a week.
I sit in a van. I sit in the living room. So, I keep telling myself I'll start working out or something; look into joining a gym. Nope.
Well, at least I'll get up earlier tomorrow and adjust my sleep schedule. Still nope. Hitting snooze gives me nightmares and I wake up pissed.
What's making me sick is obsessing over it. Spending far too much time thinking about myself. Analyzing every action in retrospect to learn from it. It's time to act.
Last year, I wrote to all of the people I've met and left. I lose touch with everyone that is not immediately involved with my life. Another one of those things that are easy to fix, but I do not act.
But I'm nowhere near where I wish I was.
I've been trying to quit smoking since September. I've been flirting with it for years, but for the last few months, I've actually wanted to quit. Most of the time. Or at least, that's what I tell myself. I'm still not really trying.
I'm getting in horrible shape. I've always been in pretty bad shape. It didn't seem like so much of a problem, because I was so small, but physical exertion puts me out of breath. I'm fairly sedentary. Especially now that I no longer walk to the store and around it all day six times a week.
I sit in a van. I sit in the living room. So, I keep telling myself I'll start working out or something; look into joining a gym. Nope.
Well, at least I'll get up earlier tomorrow and adjust my sleep schedule. Still nope. Hitting snooze gives me nightmares and I wake up pissed.
What's making me sick is obsessing over it. Spending far too much time thinking about myself. Analyzing every action in retrospect to learn from it. It's time to act.
Last year, I wrote to all of the people I've met and left. I lose touch with everyone that is not immediately involved with my life. Another one of those things that are easy to fix, but I do not act.
posted by crystal at
6:43 pm
3 Comments:
PS- adding to the nauseea is that I'm still going on and on whining about all this bullshit on theinternet.
By
crystal, at 9/12/06 12:55 pm
2/3 of the year, I have the same problem with getting exercise. I know it sounds frappaccino and new-agie, but yoga was a form of exercise that made me feel really good (the controlled breathing really has a positive psychological effect; neuroscience is starting to show this), and was relaxing, and I always looked forward to it. So while I was in a rhythm of going weekly, I felt a lot better. But quality really varies from studio to studio, depending on whether they're catering to the frappaccino crowd.
Not that I'm telling you what life's about, just a thought submitted for your consideration.
Even if it makes you feel nauseous, it is good to see you writing again. Some of the things you say capture my own feelings.
By
Anonymous, at 11/12/06 12:59 pm
You know, thanks for suggesting that. I went to a yoga class in my Community College days. Yes, one single class. I really enjoyed it and wanted to keep going. I just never went back for some reason. It was in the school over lunch hour. I don't know who they had teaching it. I think I didn't return because it was easier to spend my lunch hour walking around the halls, smoking, and spending time with my boyfriend who was in the same school, than to go to a room full of strangers and stretch with them. It's something I should keep in mind for when I can afford it.
By
crystal, at 14/12/06 4:26 pm
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