My life's on pause. It has been for quite some time now. It's so on pause that I've been meaning to write this post for a week or so now*
It's not going in circles anymore though, it's just paused. I guess one might say I'm stuck in a rut, but that phrase makes it seem like I'm here against my will or that I'm bored with the same things. There is a routine to the days, a routine to the weeks, and that turns into a routine to the months. It's November 8 already. How did that happen?
No, I'm not stuck in a rut. My job's decent (I really do like doing the paperwork). I'm still madly in love with my boy. I play in a couple bands (my life dream), I like my apartment (but it would be better cleaner), and I love my cats. I like the practicing, the playing shows, the going to shows, the staying home, sewing, watching movies, snuggling, all the same old thing I've been doing. But then, I do wish I was closer to my friends and spent more time with them and I've missed out on some shows and, gulp, parties that I wanted to attend. It's a rut, but I enjoy the rut I'm in.
It's more of a freeze-frame. Everyday day is the same. The problem is, I'm not moving forward. I had a bunch of goals back in May or June. Moves that would make my life, my rut, more enjoyable in the end. Now it's November and if I were to make a list of all the things I'd like to do or I plan to do, it would include every item on that list I made up in my mind months ago. I couldn't commit enough to write them down, and now I still haven't even tried.
One of these days I'll get around to it I guess. Maybe you could help. I seemed to have lost remote. If you find it, would you press play for me?
*(I actually wrote this Nov. 2 at work and am only posting it now)
It's not going in circles anymore though, it's just paused. I guess one might say I'm stuck in a rut, but that phrase makes it seem like I'm here against my will or that I'm bored with the same things. There is a routine to the days, a routine to the weeks, and that turns into a routine to the months. It's November 8 already. How did that happen?
No, I'm not stuck in a rut. My job's decent (I really do like doing the paperwork). I'm still madly in love with my boy. I play in a couple bands (my life dream), I like my apartment (but it would be better cleaner), and I love my cats. I like the practicing, the playing shows, the going to shows, the staying home, sewing, watching movies, snuggling, all the same old thing I've been doing. But then, I do wish I was closer to my friends and spent more time with them and I've missed out on some shows and, gulp, parties that I wanted to attend. It's a rut, but I enjoy the rut I'm in.
It's more of a freeze-frame. Everyday day is the same. The problem is, I'm not moving forward. I had a bunch of goals back in May or June. Moves that would make my life, my rut, more enjoyable in the end. Now it's November and if I were to make a list of all the things I'd like to do or I plan to do, it would include every item on that list I made up in my mind months ago. I couldn't commit enough to write them down, and now I still haven't even tried.
One of these days I'll get around to it I guess. Maybe you could help. I seemed to have lost remote. If you find it, would you press play for me?
*(I actually wrote this Nov. 2 at work and am only posting it now)
posted by crystal at
1:09 am
4 Comments:
Over the summer, I was in a similar situation. I wanted to start gardening, get good at guitar, read a certain amount of stuff... none of it happened. In hindsight, I'm really glad it didn't, because I went through much deeper (and more positive) changes by learning from my friends. But I'm not trying to offer any advice, I have no idea whether what happened to me is applicable.
I disagree that your apartment would be better clean. But I'm probably just saying that cause I'm nostalgic for it exactly the way it was.
By
Anonymous, at 8/11/05 10:45 am
i think you would feel better if you wrote me the much refered-to email.
By
ling-ling san, at 9/11/05 9:38 am
jonathan: Oh, I know sometimes what else is done can turn out to be better than your original plans. But I'm NOT doing anything. I'm not learning from my friends or anything like that. If anything, I'm on the verge of losing my friends and have possibly already lost a few. But, I part of me really likes the hermit life. I go in an out of it in cycles with my life. But, there are thing I want to be doing with my time that I'm not. Plus, I really want to quit smoking, but I've given up even considering trying.
I like having a "lived in" look in my home, but I like and crave order and organisation. I just never know how to get it, so I can't even try my hand at maintaining it.
By
crystal, at 18/11/05 12:09 am
I don't know much about how your life's doing either. But I know, you've written me and I haven't replied. I'm sure Jon, my grandma, C, J, and a few other people would like one as well. I don't know how to say I'm sorry or make up for it. I tried a few times, but I got overwhelmed and didn't write anything in the end.
So, are you okay? I don't know where in Japan you are or where the earthquake was, but I haven't heard much in the news, so did no one die? Most importantly, you're still alive?
By
crystal, at 18/11/05 12:12 am
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