So, I haven't written anything on the new location yet. Here goes. I've been really busy. We're getting ready to tour next week. We're trying to finish up the movie and make some patches. When the computer is free, I'm spending much more time reading than writing. You know, it kind of feels good to be obsessed about something again. I spent too long obsessed with trying to make friends, posting on locals and reading blogs. I've made some friends, and I'm glad. I've also made a lot of fake friends. I learned years ago that my trying to socialize was pointless. I knew that "if you think you like me, you just don't know me well enough." Sure enough, I feel like I'm going through that all familiar shunning. I've done or said, or not done or not said, something to make people give up on being my friend. Oh well. It hurts. It's confusing. But I'm used to it. It's the story of my life. All I need to do is not dwell on the lost friends, but try harder to show I care about the friends I still have. Hell, maybe I'm over reacting. But no. Real friends would've at least wished me a happy birthday even if they weren't coming to the show.

I want to explain myself about what I suspect is one of the reasons. But, I'm not going to bother publicly explaining myself, because really I'd just be publicly making a fool of myself. When I said I was disappointed, I meant that I was disappointed that the drummer was replaced. Not that I was disappointed in who had replaced him. It took me a few minutes, but I realized how it looked, and deleted it. Only to be accused of "shit-talk." So, I said what I said, but didn't say what I meant. Now, friends of the person I offended (who I thought were friends of mine) are gone from my life. Just like that. You know what. Boo Fucking Hoo if it's that easy to lose you, you weren't a friend in the first place. This situation (which may not be a situation outside my own head) leads for a very interesting Dog Day tour...

Another thing, how can someone be insensitive when they don't know what they're supposed to be sensitive of? He didn't mean it the way you took it because he was lacking an important detail necessary for him to mean what you thought.

A conversation with the boyfriend a few weeks back went something like this:
me: I just don't understand people.
him: You're one too.
me: Yeah, I know, but there's a lot I don't get about "normal" people. But, oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, I'm hard to understand too.

I'm tired of all but about 10 people. I pulled 10 out of my ass, so don't try to count and wonder if you're someone I'm tired of. You're not. It's nothing personal. I just need some time for me. I deal with hundreds of people a day. I'm tired. Some people really don't like not being looked at. PMSey and cranky, I had to scoop ice cream for a couple. As I dried my hands after washing them, I looked down to listen to them better and not have to see their faces. I had a hat on (my Star Wars hat) to hide my skid haircut. The lady actually bent down and looked up and forced me to see her. It felt like she was forcing herself on me, although that's weird because she wasn't close to touching me. I wanted to shout. Instead, I nodded as they told me the flavours, and quickly turned around to scoop.

I'm overwhelmed with the concept of have autism. A few times through my life, I've discussed my "problems" and "differences" with my mother. All my life I knew I was different. My parents said I was "special", but then I learned from a classmate at school that "special" meant "retarded." That confused me because I wasn't retarded, I was smart. My parents explained that it can mean that, in regards to Special Education, but that's not the only meaning for special. I was special because I was different, but for that matter, everyone is different from everyone else, and thus, everyone is special. Autism only ever came up when I brought it up. For some reason, my mother's responses made me think I might have it, but I honestly didn't know until this month that I do have it. (Well, I don't have it, so much as I am it. It's who I am. It's not a disease.) Some conversations:

In Grade 9, I had a dyslexic friend. That's when I finally learned that you can have a learning disability, but not be retarded. I came home from school one day, after getting back a Social Studies test that I had done poorly on. Even having the corrected test in my hands, I didn't understand what I did wrong on the test.

me: Mom, I think I have a learning disability.
mom: Why do you say that?
me: Well, like Stu's dyslexia, I think I have something, but not dyslexia, that makes it hard for me to read between the lines. That's why I do bad in English and Social Studies. I do answer the questions, but I interpret the questions differently.
mom: I think you're right. You don't remember, but you saw a lot of doctors when you were very young. You do have some kind of developmental disorder. Like Stu's dyslexia, but not the same.

Was she possibly referring to hyperlexia? "Some kind of developmental disorder"? Did she not want to use the word "autism" because of the stigma? Did she want me to stay her special child, and not forced into categories? Was I never given a full diagnosis because Asperger's wasn't an accepted diagnosis until 1994? Was I labeled PDD-NOS as a youngster? Did they not label me at all, baffled by my ability to communicate mixed in with my obvious autistic traits?

In High School, I read a book on a celebrity I liked and disliked. The book mentioned that she had been diagnosed with "mild autism" as a child. I could relate to some of her behavioural problems, so again, I had a chat with mom.

me: You know how we talked about my possible learning disability?
mom: Yeah...
me: Well, what if it's mild autism? So-and-so supposedly had it, and I can relate to some of the things she went through. Maybe that's why I have trouble making friends and getting a boyfriend. I'm in my own little world.
mom: Well, Crystal, that's what the doctors thought you had.

"Thought" I "had"? So again, I eventually dismissed the conversation because I was given no concrete answer. "Had"? Did she think it would go away when I grew up? That it was only a "problem" while I was "developing"?

I told my best friend I had "mild autism." She said, "Crystal you don't have mild autism. There's no such thing as mild autism. You have it, or you don't. And you don't. Autistics are freaks. You're weird, but you're not a freak."

The subject only crossed my mind every once in awhile over the next 5-7 years. I still thought I kind of had it, but didn't really care or think about it much. (I did try to look it up, but there wasn't much to offer in terms of "mild" autism in my first year psych book). And then, almost 4 years ago, I learned of Asperger's in school.

So, why am I so overwhelmed with the conclusion I've made? Because I always thought of it as a possiblity, but not a reality. Even, a few years ago, when I decided I "probably" had Asperger's, and a year or two later, when I started saying I "did" have it, I thought of it like dyslexia, ADD, or depression. You know, a minor thing. I'm overwhelmed with realizing I'm AUTISTIC. There is a huge stigma attached to the word. Think of your own reaction to reading that. Think of my best friend's reaction in High School, about the catatonic freaks. In reality, I do believe it's just like ADD or dyslexia. A different wiring in the brain which, while causing some difficulties in life, can also cause some positive things. But most of the world sees that word, and they think "psychotic", "disabled". It's a difference, but not necessarily a disability. Even those on the "low-functioning" end of the spectrum are not necessarily disabled by their autism, but possibly of mental retardation, or some other comorbid condition.

Wow. That was long. I've got a lot on my mind right now.