Now I feel like I should apologize. I didn't mean to be so harsh. I think you all get it, but who knows, I thought you all knew I was a freak. The "fuck off's" were a little too far. I don't want any of my friends to fuck off. I wouldn't mind if some people (who might be reading this) who aren't actually friends fucked off, but that's besides the point. I had been stewing this shit over in my mind for awhile, and it turned to nasty frustration. How could I expect any of you to understand why I'm different if I didn't tell you? KC and the Briefs are the only people I've talked to about AS. Well, I attempted to discuss it with the ONE person I thought would understand, but she cut me off and told me I was flat out wrong. Years later, I believe I'm flat out right, and don't care if anyone believes me or not. I toy with the idea of seeing doctors and getting a real diagnosis, but only so I can say I have it rather than I'm pretty sure I have it. My reasons for having this strong belief and how I came to the conclusion in the first place will still have to wait. It's something I want to tell regardless of if you want to read it or not. Right now, I just want to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I expected you to accept something you didn't even know (although, if you've known me for any length of time, I don't understand why you haven't noticed that I'm not comfortable around ANYONE).
But, that's all I'm sorry for.
I'm not sorry that I'm sensitive to lights, scents, and sounds.
I'm not sorry I have no control over my facial expressions.
I'm not sorry I don't know how to start conversations.
I'm not sorry I take things so literally.
I'm not sorry I have trouble learning things sometimes.
I'm not sorry I don't like eye contact.
I'm not sorry I'm interested in things that others aren't, or that I couldn't care less about things that are important to most people.
I'm not sorry I find it practically impossible to lie.
I'm not sorry I put people off with my mannerisms, behaviour, or honesty.
I'm not sorry I'm emotionally sensitive.
I'm not sorry I'm naive and gullible.
I'm not sorry I'm glad I'm different.
I'm not sorry I hate most of the human race.
I'm not sorry I love cats so much.
I'm not sorry I live in the moment.
I'm not sorry I hate the telephone.
I'm not sorry for many other things I don't feel like thinking of or listing off right now.
I'm not sorry I'm not sorry.
I AM sorry for how this affects people and relationships.
Why is it awkward in here? Because I'm here and I'm awkward. Get used to it, or tell me to leave. I am who I am. It's a lot better to just talk to me than to talk about me (if you're trying to solve something. I encourage assholes to always be assholes if that's your goal in life). I do sure wish someone would've told me I was a whore sooner, although I'll admit rhyming it with floor is both clever and subtle. Dressing like a slut is fun sometimes, but I think I'm severely underpaid. Why do I even work at a magazine store?
I'm sorry I expected you to accept something you didn't even know (although, if you've known me for any length of time, I don't understand why you haven't noticed that I'm not comfortable around ANYONE).
But, that's all I'm sorry for.
I'm not sorry that I'm sensitive to lights, scents, and sounds.
I'm not sorry I have no control over my facial expressions.
I'm not sorry I don't know how to start conversations.
I'm not sorry I take things so literally.
I'm not sorry I have trouble learning things sometimes.
I'm not sorry I don't like eye contact.
I'm not sorry I'm interested in things that others aren't, or that I couldn't care less about things that are important to most people.
I'm not sorry I find it practically impossible to lie.
I'm not sorry I put people off with my mannerisms, behaviour, or honesty.
I'm not sorry I'm emotionally sensitive.
I'm not sorry I'm naive and gullible.
I'm not sorry I'm glad I'm different.
I'm not sorry I hate most of the human race.
I'm not sorry I love cats so much.
I'm not sorry I live in the moment.
I'm not sorry I hate the telephone.
I'm not sorry for many other things I don't feel like thinking of or listing off right now.
I'm not sorry I'm not sorry.
I AM sorry for how this affects people and relationships.
Why is it awkward in here? Because I'm here and I'm awkward. Get used to it, or tell me to leave. I am who I am. It's a lot better to just talk to me than to talk about me (if you're trying to solve something. I encourage assholes to always be assholes if that's your goal in life). I do sure wish someone would've told me I was a whore sooner, although I'll admit rhyming it with floor is both clever and subtle. Dressing like a slut is fun sometimes, but I think I'm severely underpaid. Why do I even work at a magazine store?
posted by crystal at
10:10 pm
8 Comments:
I've never been able to control my facial expressions. It sounds silly, but it can be kind of a huge impediment. It's why I also can't lie.
I've always sorta casually wondered just exactly in what clinical way I'm fucked up -I also think that few people realize exactly how messed up I am on the inside most of the time- but I've almost been too afraid to look into it. Like, what if it turns out I'm just a shitty person? What's my excuse then? I have most of those problems you list, with the added bonus of feeling ridiculously sorry for them most of the time. I waste so much of my life on regret.
The book is called The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. It's a worthwhile read. Sorry I gave you a giant sloppy hug tonight. I'm not usually a huggy guy, but it was my first impulse upon seeing you. One of these days I'm gonna hug KC just to see his reaction. Even if he punches me it'll be worth it. I love you guys a lot.
And I'm quitting smoking for my birthday this year, so I hope you guys keep it up.
By
Eb, at 1/7/05 8:16 am
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
a.m., at 2/7/05 1:28 pm
eben: It really can be an impediment to lack control of facial expressions. People see right through you in some situations, and in others, they misinterpret you. For example, if I'm thinking about one thing, and look upset, people think I'm upset with them. Also, when I'm confused, I look snotty and angry.
Some people say to me, when I bring up AS, that everybody's fucked up, they just happen to have a name for mine. It's like they're just catergorizing personalities, with the unnamed personalities taken as normal or eccentric. It doesn't change me to have the label. Since writing these posts, I've noticed people looking at me differently at the bars this weekend. As much as I find it very comforting to have the label to relate to now, I'm very glad I didn't grow up in Special Ed. I wouldn't want to have been looked at like that as a kid. I could just imagine the people asking if my cousin, Seizure Salad, wanted a Hamburger to go with it. Oh kids are cruel.
As for my list, it's extremely partial, and I was just listing things off the top of my head. In reality, I'm painfully sorry for most of those things, but I'm tired of being sorry for things that I can't help, but do try to work on. Asserting that I'm not sorry, is like saying I don't care what people think. It's kinda mainly true, but I wish it were completely true, so I remind myself over and over.
Samantha said she'd lend me the book, so now I need to get the guts to stop by her place looking for it. Failing that, I'll look for it elsewhere, so thanks for reminding me.
The hug was awesome. You really should hug KC sometime. Depending on his mood, I think his reaction would be qquite different than you are expecting. We love you.
Good luck with quitting smoking. I hope by your birthday we can be more supportive and inspirational than now. We have still been smoking while drinking, but that's still an improvment in my books, as long as that's how it stays for now and we quit for real later.
By
crystal, at 2/7/05 1:56 pm
i did have something to say but i posted something else by mistake. i'll try again later.
By
a.m., at 2/7/05 2:10 pm
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
crystal, at 2/7/05 2:13 pm
"If you think you like me, you just don't know me well enough yet."
By
crystal, at 2/7/05 2:13 pm
[I had replied to a comment that's been deleted. So, I took some stuff out. I still think what follows is relevant, even without what it's in response to]
It's extremely frustrating to have people think they know you when they don't (especially when you have a blog they can read), but I also have to remind myself to see the other side. We all draw conclusions on people. It's how we get to know (or think we know) people and decide if we like them or not. I always expect people to know all about me after a few months, but it really takes forever in some cases. You could say it's sad that it takes 3 years to get to know you, but a lot of the time, the things you have to work for and wait for are more worth it in the end. I find it funny when people I couldn't care less about, think I should care that they don't like me. I don't want to hurt friends, but I don't care about strangers. I mean, no one likes to be disliked, but I'm not gonna go cry about it either (although sometimes I do).
I've heard that a lot; weird in an endearing way. I guess that's better than being hated. People say that about my honesty too, but I really can't help it. It doesn't take guts, it just happens. I've been commiting lies of omission lately. I started this thing to tell the truth, and now I'm leaving some of the truth out.
Let's all read that book.
By
crystal, at 3/7/05 2:29 pm
I am sorry about many things. I wish I relate to people easier. But I'm not sorry that I tried to assert myself 2 years ago. It's just too bad that result was the opposite of what I'd intended. I ended up isolating myself for years and screwing up wonderful relationships I could've put more into. I did have people there for me, but I looked right past them.
Maybe I can be the me I wanted to be then now that I've gained some confidence (and medication...)
By
crystal, at 30/6/07 5:56 pm
Post a Comment
<< Home