I've been spending a lot of time thinking about myself, and about pistolwhip. I've been thinking of how and why I use this, and past things I've said. I have no interest or time to go through my archives, and that means I don't even remember a lot of what I've said.

I'm emotional and apathetic. I lack passion, in most senses of the word. I don't even have something (like music for many of my friends) that I care about, want to improve at, and spend my free time doing. It's also why I don't have a career goal and dropped out of so many schools. I play music, I paint, I knit and sew, but I'm not creative. I don't write songs. I knit from a pattern. Everything is just a way for me to pass time, not a way for me to express myself. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. All the people I used to be able to talk to have moved away, and I hate the telephone. I talk to my love, but there's only so many times I can say similar things to him, and only so many times he can hear it. That's why this is here. I say it, without having a stupid conversation with somebody. I say it, because it does bad things when kept in. Whoever reads this, understands me. But maybe they don't. Things look different in type, and you may interpret what I say in a different way than how I mean it. I'm okay with that. You know what's going on, I don't have to talk about it and you don't have to offer advice. A win-win situation, I'd say.

But, I don't write poetry or fiction, and am very bad at saying something without saying it. So, in an effort to get it out, I've said things I regret.

I feel the extremes, but not usually what's in between. When I'm happy, I'm ecstatic. When I'm sad, I'm depressed. When I'm angry, I'm in a fit of rage. I mean what I say, only for the second I say it. I feel what I say 110%, but once it's out, I feel better. Once the emotions subside, I can look back at it logically, and often regret what was said, or at least admit that it was exaggeration. I'm also very poor at expressing emotions. Except anger. Anger's about the only emotion I can express appropriately, but since it so often turns to rage, it becomes inappropriate. In fact, most negative emotions turn to anger for me. When I'm sad, nervous, tired, afraid, apprehensive, or many other valid feelings, they only come out as anger.

I don't know how to express love. I don't even know if I feel it the way other people do. I mean, I care about people, but...I don't know where I'm going, except that I'm still trying to find reasons to believe I'm not "normal." That's a different topic, though. I topic I remember trying to talk to you about, and you crushed me. Absolutely crushed me. My realization that they have a name for what I have was very different than being a hypochondriac and thinking I have mono because a friend of a friend of someone in the "scene" used the same mic as someone who does. It felt amazing to come to terms with it and to talk to someone I really thought would understand and listen. But no, you told me I was wrong, blah, blah, blah. And I haven't been able to talk to you since. It really hurt.

I feel awful that in trying to express that my feelings were hurt and that I get frustrated with things, it came across that I hate you. I don't. I thought I said that. I'm sorry that instead of saying "my feelings were hurt because" I said "fucking this, insult that." It means the same thing to me, and you were never meant to read it. I always knew it was possible for you to stumble here, but I didn't expect you to spend hours reading every word. I don't even remember what I wrote a few entries ago without going back and reading.

I'm considering taking some stuff out. But one reason I like this, and I'm sure I've said it before, is that I like having a record of things I did, emotions I've felt, yadda yadda yadda. I know it's not paper or private. It's the internet. But really, it's pretty private. I have a slew of regulars readers and that's it. Sometimes new people arrive, but not too many people go through my archives.

"I'd never say anything like that about your parents and put it on the internet."

OK. Maybe you wouldn't. But you're not me. You aren't crazy like me, and if my parents drive you nuts, you haven't told me. And, it's not like I'm on a very public site naming names and spilling details. Yes, when looking back on some old stuff, I didn't use as much discretion as I had thought. I thought it was okay because I didn't name names, but people do know who I am, and who my boyfriend is, and know who I meant. But I still thought I was expressing hurt feeling rather than committing slander. I just thought most of the things that upset me are "petty" and there was no need to actually discuss them. But, I wanted to get the nastiness out of me.

I can't believe some of the things I've seriously contemplated over the last year or so. But, I guess I shouldn't confess to them here. I'll just say, I don't want to break up with him because there are problems in our relationship or because I want to be single. I love him and can't imagine my life without him. But, I've been trying to imagine it. Just to get away.