I don’t have friends*. I can’t have friends. But a big part of me really, truly wants to have friends.

I’ve had these problems for as long as I can remember and it just keeps getting worse and more difficult as I get older. It doesn’t matter that I’ve tried to become a better person because each new attempted friendship comes with the baggage of all the previous failed ones.

You see, I don’t get over things. Time goes by. It’s not fresh in my mind and I don’t feel the pain and/or regret anymore. And then………something somehow reminds me of it (whatever it is – including throwing away my My Little Ponies) and the pain, hurt, anger, regret, shame, etc comes flooding back. Maybe it’s not as strong as it used to be, but it’s usually still pretty strong. For some odd reason, the same doesn’t happen to me with happy memories. I may smile faintly while remembering something, but I don’t feel any part of the original happiness. I can remember “oh, I was soooo happy that day” but can’t feel it, but when something bad is remembered it’s not “that really sucked, but I’m glad that was a long time ago and blah blah blah”. I FEEL it. I then take out the pain as anger on the people around me even though they had nothing to do with it and it was so long ago.

I suppose this is all a part of my wonderful personality disorder.

But why is there so much for me to get over? That pesky disorder is to blame for that too, I believe. I ruin relationships, often without truly realizing how. And that is the crux of the whole thing.

I don’t think I really have social anxiety, at least not to the degree I say I do. I think the anxiety is really just fear of caring about someone again because I know I’ll get too close, mushy, weird, and scare them away. And/or I’ll feel too comfortable around them and they’ll see just how much of an asshole I truly am. I’ll be snappy and snarky and my face will say things I don’t really intend without my knowledge (for example, not understanding what someone means put a look on my face that says to them “shut up you fucking asshole. I hate you.” When all that’s going through my mind is “I don’t understand. I’m not sure if I agree or not because I need clarification”.

So, even with people that want to be my friends (or think they do), people I make plans with, I still usually end up cancelling because I just can’t.

*I know it’s wrong to say things like that. Since I’ve had this problem for so long, I can remember my mother telling me when I was a child not to say things like “I don’t have any friends” or “why doesn’t anyone like me” because it’s not fair to the people who DO like me and consider me a friend. But in all honesty, I don’t really have any deep relationships anymore. I don’t talk to people about things that matter and no one really comes to me with their troubles anymore. But I DO have some friends and I consider myself lucky to have them in my life. I’m just so damn nervous waiting for the other shoe to drop and from them to slip out of my life (at best), or leave dramatically and hate me.