One of those drafts that I wrote over the weekend (March 25, 2007; 1:50 pm) last year, but decided against posting:

I can see better than it seems. I choose not to notice many things.

I walk around in my own little world on purpose. But, I don't mean that by making this choice, I'm walking around intentionally ignoring things. If I walk past a person on the street, on a bus, or in the mall, or at a show, about 99.02 % of the time I'm not consciously ignoring them, but I actually don't see them. The other few times, I'm unsure if I should say anything, so I leave the onus on them.

It's easier, emotionally, to shield myself from people. To be the quiet girl in the shadows that I was before I started playing in bands. Before I started having to talk to people and remember them. There are just too many expectations. People react to me in the wrong way most of the time, and I them.

I know I look like a sour-puss, but I can't force a fake smile. It doesn't mean I'm not in a good mood. It means I'm not ecstatic. I remember being about nine, and having long blonde hair, down to my tail-bone. I would pull it over my eyes, sort of like Cousin It. I told my mother I liked it better this way. This, or wearing a hat low to cover my eyes. Then, people had real conversations with me like a normal person. Instead of caring too much about whatever my face was doing, they paid attention to the words.

Growing up my first instincts and first reactions were always "wrong." In order to pretend to be social, I actually wasn't retaining much information from the conversation. I learned not to express myself with facial and body expressions because people would take them to mean something they didn't and over-react.

So, I walk around, spaced-out, with a flat expression on my face, purposely oblivious to the happenings around me. I guess I can't blame people for thinking I'm a bitch, or crazy, or a drug-addict.

I'm just too tired from trying. I'm confused and hurt all the time. I shouldn't get to know people. I shouldn't get close to them. Inevitably, they see my anger. And once it's been seen a few times, people change around me. They start to walk on eggshells; too afraid to trigger some emotion. Then, they react inappropriately when I'm not upset about anything. Defensive. Reacting to what they think I would be feeling. This all frustrates me to no end. I liked who they were before I ruined them. Until now, I had a history of giving up. Just move away. Make new friends. Be a new person. They'll like you this time. But, it comes back around. It always has.

Starting over as someone new is a huge can of worms I don't want to get into right now.

But, I can see. Better than it seems. The eye doctor was wrong, however, and my vision is not 20/20.