Last night I made a list of all the things I need to do, starting almost immediately, to head in the direction I want to with my life. I guess I wrote out some short-term goals that will help me achieve my long-term goals. You know, the stuff they make you do in school to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. But, I've already failed.
KC's back at work today. Since I've spent most of the week sleeping, I asked him to get me up before he left this morning. Believing that was too early, we compromised with him setting his alarm for me for like 10:30. Well, I turned the alarm off and slept until after 2:00. I get sucked into dreamland sometimes and don't ever want to get up, lying there trying to remember where I'd left off as I doze back into slumber. I suppose I needed it in some ways with the peak my alcoholism has been reaching. I looked in the mirror yesterday and what I saw looking back at me was my father soon before my mother said enough is enough (which has been said to me at times). Nipples. I've admitted and joked about my drinking problem plenty of times. I've tried getting it under control plenty of times, and the proof of that can be found in my archives. But I've finally gotten to the point where enough is enough from my perspective. You can't really successfully change something unless you are doing it for yourself. "When you change, you gotta change by yourself." I've spent the week not only sleeping, but beating myself up mentally. I was so fucking angry at myself a couple of days ago. Sure, I had fun. Sure I didn't really do anything that bad. But it was bad enough for me. I just couldn't reconcile the behaviour with the idea that I like to hold of myself. I'm not that. I am an addict, though. I get addicted to anything I touch. Even people. Fuck you to all those who have taken advantage of that or are considering doing so.
So, anyway, I had all these big plans of what I was going to do today. I was going to go down to Supertemp, go to the bank, go shopping for more office clothes, clean my soiled carpet. It looks like it's a nice day for all of that. But I spent the morning fighting with the people I love the most (in my dreams). Now, KC will be home soonish, so I think I'm going to stay here and wait for him. Clean and set up his place when I should be cleaning and setting up my own.
At least I called my old job. They're working on getting me back in the office at the mall. I'm happy about that. It's too bad, though, that the first day I feel healthy, I want to celebrate the only way I really know how.
PS-FUCK PC LAPTOPS!!! Why does this thing keep jumping to wherever the cursor is, typing where I've already typed, sending things that shouldn't be sent? I mean, this machine is great for a lot of things, but I just don't understand the design. I can't sit here and ramble-type off the top of my head, because it's a jumbled mess I have to fix the shit out of.
Four years ago I wrote a stupid post including some of the details surrounding my first attempt at getting help for my, uh, mental issues.
KC's back at work today. Since I've spent most of the week sleeping, I asked him to get me up before he left this morning. Believing that was too early, we compromised with him setting his alarm for me for like 10:30. Well, I turned the alarm off and slept until after 2:00. I get sucked into dreamland sometimes and don't ever want to get up, lying there trying to remember where I'd left off as I doze back into slumber. I suppose I needed it in some ways with the peak my alcoholism has been reaching. I looked in the mirror yesterday and what I saw looking back at me was my father soon before my mother said enough is enough (which has been said to me at times). Nipples. I've admitted and joked about my drinking problem plenty of times. I've tried getting it under control plenty of times, and the proof of that can be found in my archives. But I've finally gotten to the point where enough is enough from my perspective. You can't really successfully change something unless you are doing it for yourself. "When you change, you gotta change by yourself." I've spent the week not only sleeping, but beating myself up mentally. I was so fucking angry at myself a couple of days ago. Sure, I had fun. Sure I didn't really do anything that bad. But it was bad enough for me. I just couldn't reconcile the behaviour with the idea that I like to hold of myself. I'm not that. I am an addict, though. I get addicted to anything I touch. Even people. Fuck you to all those who have taken advantage of that or are considering doing so.
So, anyway, I had all these big plans of what I was going to do today. I was going to go down to Supertemp, go to the bank, go shopping for more office clothes, clean my soiled carpet. It looks like it's a nice day for all of that. But I spent the morning fighting with the people I love the most (in my dreams). Now, KC will be home soonish, so I think I'm going to stay here and wait for him. Clean and set up his place when I should be cleaning and setting up my own.
At least I called my old job. They're working on getting me back in the office at the mall. I'm happy about that. It's too bad, though, that the first day I feel healthy, I want to celebrate the only way I really know how.
PS-FUCK PC LAPTOPS!!! Why does this thing keep jumping to wherever the cursor is, typing where I've already typed, sending things that shouldn't be sent? I mean, this machine is great for a lot of things, but I just don't understand the design. I can't sit here and ramble-type off the top of my head, because it's a jumbled mess I have to fix the shit out of.
Four years ago I wrote a stupid post including some of the details surrounding my first attempt at getting help for my, uh, mental issues.
posted by crystal at
2:56 pm
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